Peons! On this the last day of the year of the rat, I expect you are busy planning how you can better serve Me in the coming year of the ox. Some minions have hinted that they might be sending me a real ox. Citizens, *do not* send the Dictator and President-for-Life a real ox. Although She is Shining and Mighty, bringing gladness, terror and awe wherever She treads and eager to welcome all the many ways Her citizens praise Her, the Dictator does not care for livestock. She also has nowhere to keep it. No, a more appropriate way to give thanks for My Blinding Light would be to join My guerilla troops and freedom fighters. This year, give your Dictator the gift of world domination. The more citizens I have to rule fiercely over, the less likely I am to give attention to your careless mistakes and the more likely you and your head are to remain connected.

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December 29, 2008

viva la dictatrice!

Praise and glory to Me!

December 22, 2008

Yes, citizens, it’s that time of year. The time of year when, if you’re a good citizen or just a citizen who values her life, you have sent a special gift to your Dictator in thanks and praise of the glorious event of Her Birth. Perhaps you even participated in one of the many Hail Josibear events taking place around the republic tonight, celebrations of Her Life and Her Mighty Omnipotence. Your Praiseworthy Wonder does appreciate a tasty birthday cake and odd technological gizmo (She especially enjoys handheld weaponry, but as a faithful peasant, you already knew that, didn’t you?), but as She peruses her mountain of presents from the citizens of the IRJ and leaders of so many countries around the world, She can’t help but notice that the mountain is a little shorter than it should be. So before the secret police show up at your door, perhaps you should ask yourself: Have I properly praised and gifted Her Gracious Almightiness this birthday season? Might She not need a gift from me, no matter how insignificant I personally may be in Her All-Seeing Eyes? The answer, peon, is yes. Yes, you should have sent a gift. And yes, you will be regretting your choice not to as your head rolls across the floor away from your twitching body.

Yes, the Pope. You think I’m joking, don’t you? Trust me, the Almighty Josibear never jokes. Secret police will be knocking on your door soon enough for your insolence.

Let’s consider. The Pope is the leader of the Roman Catholic Church; thus, the Pope is the leader of all the Roman Catholics in the world. Do you even realize how many Roman Catholics there are? Over one billion. Globally, there are over one billion people baptized as Roman Catholic. There are even Catholics in China! A communist dictatorship officially without religion! Whether or not all of these people are actually practising is definitely up for debate, but what is not is the fact that the Pope rules over one-sixth of the world’s population. This makes him one of the most influential people on the planet, the very goal of every dictator alive today. Naturally, influence alone does not a dictator make.  But I think we can all agree that it is a big first step.

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While your Beloved Leader is not going anywhere,  it is certainly true that for other dictators, a fall from grace is not necessarily inevitable, but it certainly is likely. A quick look at the history books tells us that most dictators do not retire voluntarily. The lucky few die of old age in office. The not-so-lucky many get stabbed, beaten, overthrown, exiled, indicted and much more, and the majority of them do not handle it well. There have been temper tantrums, recantations and some very unflattering outfits. If you want history to look kindly upon you many years from now, falling out of power with style is essential. Print out this convenient guide and hang it on the refrigerator so that, should that fateful day arrive, you’ll be prepared. Because a wary and paranoid dictator is a good dictator.

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