I May Be Drunk

January 31, 2009

But citizens, I want to say, you mean the world to me. And I know you’re thinking that it’s the drink talking, but really, without you, I’d be nowhere, no one. You are what make me the great, omnipotent, future world leader that I am. Your sacrifices and hard work are what make this republic a major world power. Without your efforts and unwavering faith, this republic could not reach the dizzying heights of glory that it aspires to. Peasants, peons, beloved minions, I love you.

If you tell anyone I told you this, I will use an axe to remove your head from your shoulders.

Do-It-Yourself Brainwashing

January 28, 2009

For individual and mass mind control
Yes, it’s true, you, too, can dig deep into the brains of your followers and wield control, just like that guy who does the puppet shows in the park. Once you master the basic techniques and ideas presented here, you’ll never again have to suffer any back talk from anyone. And you won’t have to waste valuable human resources by offing the smart mouthers, either! So put on your chin-up boots, we’re going in.

We’re going to break the whole idea down a bit into two more manageable pieces. First, we’ll take a look at techniques that will prove effective on the general population, a sort of mass mind control; get that hive mind going on. Then, by adding onto the group control ideas, we’ll get in with the individual brainwashing, something that could prove very useful in creating the perfect assassin. Or just someone to do the cooking. Whatever. You’re the dictator. But be warned, some of the stuff that you can use in a one-on-one session is highly questionable and is sure to get you brought up on crimes against humanity charges in the Hague if the UN ever gets wind of your operations. So cover your asses, people. Read the rest of this entry »

Willy Wonka: One of Us

January 19, 2009

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

The famed hero of a beloved children’s book a member of our elite group? It can’t be! And yet it is. Willy Wonka is an oppressor, a whimsical tyrant, a totalitarian overlord; whatever name you want to slap on him, the fact is the man is a dictator. The question is not why I believe this, but rather why you do not. Everyone who has read the children’s novel Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl seems to be under the impression that Willy Wonka is the good guy. After all, he’s the man with the chocolate factory, every kid’s wet dream, if the kids reading were old enough to have wet dreams. But it’s a lie. Wonka’s no good guy. He’s a hero only to all of us despots.

Maybe you don’t agree with me. Maybe you should read the book.

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Dictating Made Easy

January 8, 2009

OR: Seize a Developing Nation in Sixty Days or Less

Past dictators have made dictating out to be an impossible and thankless task, which only the strong of mind and body are capable of. Lenin, Stalin, Hitler- they all thought they had something special. Well, I’m here to tell you different. Dictators and the art of dictating have been shrouded in mystery for centuries, but now it’s time for the shroud to be removed. Dictating isn’t difficult, no special skills needed. Anyone can be a dictator in sixty days or less- I guarantee it. So if you’ve always been thinking about that coup d’état, but you just never manage to get around to it, follow these simple instructions and it’ll be easier than dragging your fat ass off the couch to the kitchen for another cup o’ coffee.

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Oh Lansana!

January 5, 2009

Beloved Dictator, Inspirer of Awe and Full Hearts

Beloved Dictator, Inspirer of Awe and Full Hearts

Citizens, this is one duty your Beloved Dictator does not cherish. Thanks to my strict media blackout, should I choose to, I could keep this news from you indefinitely. But after consulting with my ministers and then banishing them from the Republic due to their insolence, I have, in my Glorious Mental Wonder, determined that  you, my dear citizens, should not be denied this opportunity to grieve for a good friend of the IRJ. Read the rest of this entry »