Oh Lansana!

January 5, 2009

Beloved Dictator, Inspirer of Awe and Full Hearts

Beloved Dictator, Inspirer of Awe and Full Hearts

Citizens, this is one duty your Beloved Dictator does not cherish. Thanks to my strict media blackout, should I choose to, I could keep this news from you indefinitely. But after consulting with my ministers and then banishing them from the Republic due to their insolence, I have, in my Glorious Mental Wonder, determined that  you, my dear citizens, should not be denied this opportunity to grieve for a good friend of the IRJ.

President Lansana Conté of Guinea has gone on to the Great Dictatorship in the sky. His presence will be sorely missed, along with his generous nature and his sincere wit. Naturally, we have spent much time together in our official capacities, trading secrets on how to crush uprisings and keep the peons from getting too big for their britches. Whether he was executing the man who had helped him come to power in 1984 or appointing friends and family to key government positions, Lansana was a man of his country and his rise to autocratic star of Africa has many lessons for those dictators still struggling to maintain power in these tumultuous times.

Often described as “canny”, this brave man funneled money from international aid and investors into his own pockets, showing his firm understanding of the times he lived in as he nominally moved his country from military rule to civilian, multi-party rule. But a true dictator to the core, Lansana merely put on the show of acquiescing to international demands for transparency and good governance while continuing his despotic reign out of the eyes of the global community. At one point, this autocratic genius was actually praised by those advancers of Western colonialist agenda, the IMF. No ordinary despot could fool the outsiders so completely.

Despite many attempts to wrest power from him, either through the legal “democratic” process or other shadier means, it was only the cold hand of death that was able to pull this mighty hero away from his country. Jailing political opponents, foiling attacks by Liberian-based rebels, surviving an assassination attempt despite his poor health, the Guinean president strove tirelessly to stay in control of his country. His ruthless determination earned his Guinea the title of the World’s Second Most Corrupted Country in 2006, a title he most certainly earned with immense reigns of terror as the unworthy peasants he ruled over revolted repeatedly, forcing our hero to deploy security and weed the herd.

Already difficult times for dictators, with crackdowns and condemnations from the international community and citizens everywhere clamouring for such nonsense as “freedom” and “safety”, such an outstanding member of the dictatorial community leaves a gaping wound in our hearts as he moves on to command the security forces of the other side. We’ll be cracking the whip for you, Lansana.


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