Sinus explosion!

February 28, 2009

Send soup, dear peasants! The sinus cavities of your Dictator have exploded! Or rather, they are on the verge of explosion. In any case, citizens, the situation is dire. If this continues, your Beloved Leader may be sent on to the Great Dictatorship Beyond where She will rule over your departed ancestors.

Yes, even in death, you cannot escape My absolute power.

The forehead of your Venerable Ruler is fiery to the touch, a sure sign that the grim reaper is holding his scythe inches above My slender and attractive neck. And make no mistake, peons, My neck is indeed almost too beautiful to look upon. Like all parts of My Imposing Self. Even my explosive sinuses bring tears to the eyes of those who bear witness to them, such is their beauty.

But explosive and painful they are, despite their allure, and the only cure–if there is any cure at all!–is soup and plenty of it. The cooks in the great kitchens of the Dictator’s Residence are hard at work, preparing pot after pot of tomato soup, but all are substandard for someone with such discerning taste as your Sensitive Sovereign. Thus, I ask you, peasants with your homey rural style, have you not any recipes for soup that would bring health back to your Ailing Powerhouse? Keep in mind that should I pass on into that unfathomable abyss, I will be even crankier and more inclined to random punishment than I am now, and when you arrive in that far away land, you will suffer more than you thought possible in this life. So send soup. It can only make your life easier.

Unless your soup is gross. In which case, My police are on their way.


Doing It Myself

February 13, 2009

Since you ungrateful wretches have not destroyed winter to honour my Unstoppable Self, I have decided to get away from you and the horrors of dirty snow. No more slushy streets for She Who Steps On You. Your Dictator has noted the warmer climes farther south and is currently taking advantage of them. She may or may not have gambled the health care budget away on Baccarat at Vegas. I will not say one way or the other, but those of you who have alternate health care options might be wise to review them at this point.

But lest you fear your tax dollars being flushed down the toilet (and admittedly, your Shining Majesty has been known to delight in the way the paper bills twirl in the toilet bowl), rest assured that I as President For Life of the IRJ have been quite busy down here in the land of sunburn. (No need to concern yourselves, it’s just a little redness on my nose and forehead. But to prove your loyalty, it would not hurt you to send some aloe vera.) Yes, in fact, this very day, I was conducting important negotiations with the Mexican government regarding free trade and a possible invasion of the United States. In the end, we decided that the time for toppling that arrogant empire has not yet come, but you will be pleased to know that the guns pointed at your heads as you beg for your lives will be of Mexican manufacture. This is just one of the many ways your Dictator works for you, dear peons.

Abolishing Winter

February 5, 2009

These cold temperatures are not pleasing your Dictator, citizens. You know this. When temperatures are low, your Fearless Leader is forced to lop off more heads for firewood and comfort in these freezing times. Thus, I am certain that many of you are seeking ways of increasing the global temperature in order to bring your Beloved Leader warmth, but citizens! Do not tread this fearsome path!

You must have heard of this thing called “global warming”, a phenomenon in which the base temperature of the earth rises due to increases in gases such as carbon dioxide and methane produced by humankind. This “global warming” is apparently causing a variety of problems, of which I am sure you are all well aware. Peons, this phenomenon is a result of the industrial activity of humans worldwide and therefore, is nothing that you, responsible citizens of the IRJ, could have done anything to prevent. Read the rest of this entry »