Abolishing Winter

February 5, 2009

These cold temperatures are not pleasing your Dictator, citizens. You know this. When temperatures are low, your Fearless Leader is forced to lop off more heads for firewood and comfort in these freezing times. Thus, I am certain that many of you are seeking ways of increasing the global temperature in order to bring your Beloved Leader warmth, but citizens! Do not tread this fearsome path!

You must have heard of this thing called “global warming”, a phenomenon in which the base temperature of the earth rises due to increases in gases such as carbon dioxide and methane produced by humankind. This “global warming” is apparently causing a variety of problems, of which I am sure you are all well aware. Peons, this phenomenon is a result of the industrial activity of humans worldwide and therefore, is nothing that you, responsible citizens of the IRJ, could have done anything to prevent.

However, your ongoing work to make the Republic warmer to comfort your Precious Miracle is in fact contributing to this warming effect. And while your Impressive Overwhelmingness appreciates your efforts to warm Her during these cold months, in the interest of international relations, I must insist that you cease these efforts. Peasants, there are treaties to be signed and agreements to be reached and in this era of international cooperation, a failure to cooperate with a major treaty is viewed as an affront to the global community.

And that, citizens, your Dictator simply cannot have. We have worked hard to push our way into the United Nations and other international communities. Being targeted an an enemy of the environment will set us back years, even decades. This, citizens, we cannot have. We have worked too hard to be included in the global sisterhood; we cannot let our chance at world domination slip through our fingers.

So it is with this in mind that I must ask you, my dear peasants, to stop in your attempts to increase the global temperatures in order to warm your Much Loved Dictator. As cold as She is, She cannot allow any disruptions in Her attempts to take over the world.


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