Doing It Myself

February 13, 2009

Since you ungrateful wretches have not destroyed winter to honour my Unstoppable Self, I have decided to get away from you and the horrors of dirty snow. No more slushy streets for She Who Steps On You. Your Dictator has noted the warmer climes farther south and is currently taking advantage of them. She may or may not have gambled the health care budget away on Baccarat at Vegas. I will not say one way or the other, but those of you who have alternate health care options might be wise to review them at this point.

But lest you fear your tax dollars being flushed down the toilet (and admittedly, your Shining Majesty has been known to delight in the way the paper bills twirl in the toilet bowl), rest assured that I as President For Life of the IRJ have been quite busy down here in the land of sunburn. (No need to concern yourselves, it’s just a little redness on my nose and forehead. But to prove your loyalty, it would not hurt you to send some aloe vera.) Yes, in fact, this very day, I was conducting important negotiations with the Mexican government regarding free trade and a possible invasion of the United States. In the end, we decided that the time for toppling that arrogant empire has not yet come, but you will be pleased to know that the guns pointed at your heads as you beg for your lives will be of Mexican manufacture. This is just one of the many ways your Dictator works for you, dear peons.

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