March 23, 2009

Oh citizens, the end of the year is upon us. So many of you think of December as the year end, but in fact, you are wrong. This is why you need Me, peons. I am here to tell you which way is up. And up in this case is March. Or rather the end of.

And the end of March is a time dreaded and celebrated, the end of the fiscal year in some parts of the world. This year end period is the perfect time to clear up old accounts, starts new business and of course, move house. Or in the case of Your Beloved Supernova, move country.

As many of you know, the Independent Republic of Josi stays below the international radar by carving out territory within more established countries, such as Canada or Japan. But the world keeps turning, the treaties that allow this kind of squatting expire and Your Shining Light is forced to seek new allies and new territory.

Thus, the Palace of Slinkster Dancing is filled with boxes as minions work hard under My unforgiving whip to fill them with My many precious instruments of torture. My minions are hard at work to ensure a smooth transition for you, dear citizens. You may be surprised to wake up in a new landscape one day soon, but fear not, your Glorious Quasar has things under control. I am only looking out for your best interests, peons.


Hard Times

March 19, 2009

Citizens, although your Dictator has powers unfathomable to your small minds, She cannot prevent the global economic meltdown. Well, I could, I do have that kind of power, but to be honest, I’m just not interested in the whole situation. I’d rather watch Smap Bistro.

However, the sad development in this tale of disinterest is the fact that the economy does not care whether or not I am interested. The economy is happening, peons. And that happening means your pension fund is at the mercy of American investors.

And dear serfs, let’s not deceive ourselves. American investors are unreliable and suicidal. I cannot have such people taking control of the economy of the IRJ. In addition to my hatred of unreliability and suicidal tendencies, I also have a fanatical loathing of Americans, thanks to the last time they tried to assassinate me and take over the IRJ. Let this be a reminder, citizens, your Dictator never forgets.

Read the rest of this entry »

Eat, You Fools!

March 14, 2009

Your skeletal corpse helps me not!

Without some sort of nutrition, you will wither and die and then who will tend My fields, fight My wars and bring Me cookies? As your Almighty and Illustrious Dictator, I cannot be expected to do these things for Myself. I am far too busy ruling you disgusting peons with My mighty iron fist!

But it has recently come to My attention that far too many of My slavering masses have been turning to dust as they toil and this cannot be allowed to continue! Thus, as usual, it is up to Me, the Benevolent, the All-Knowing, the Queen of All Sister Bears, President and Dictator For Life, to extend your worthless lives through tasty foodie experiences. So grab a stick to scratch this recipe in the dirt floor of your shack and fill your devoted bellies with healthy times!

And if you die after this, I’ll torture your corpse in horrific ways. No one dies unless I say they do.

Read the rest of this entry »

Golden Statues

March 7, 2009

Golden Turkmenbashy

Dear citizens, your Dictator has a confession to make: There are some people She holds in almost as high an esteem as Herself. Naturally, no one is on the same level as Her Mighty Oneness, but there are those who have pushed through the many obstacles placed in front of them by society to reach unparalleled heights. One of these impressive and awe-inspiring mortals is the fallen president of Turkmenistan.

Saparmurat Niyazov was the self-proclaimed Turkmenbashy; that is, the Leader of all Ethnic Turkmens. Our hero was a man of many seemingly nonsensible decrees. After he was forced to give up smoking following heart surgery, he imperiously decreed that all in the country should follow his example. He banned young men in hats and beards. He forbade listening to car radios. Niyazov was a man who knew what he wanted and was not afraid to force all those around him to obey. Read the rest of this entry »