April 9, 2009


Tried and True Methods for the Modern Dictator

As a modern dictator, the question of what torture is right for you frequently comes up. This is a very personal choice and you’re right to take your time with it. No need to rush. It’s often difficult to decide what torture will produce the best results for your dictatorship. The line between punishment and execution is very fine and you need to know what your goals are before you start applying any sort of torture. Spend a few minutes now to find the perfect fit for you and your dictatorship and avoid senseless years on trial for crimes against humanity.

Torture is nothing new. Everyone wants to hurt everyone else and people have been coming up with innovative ways to do this for centuries. I find that some of the older tortures add a feeling of getting back to your roots, a sort of homage to despots past. Of course, the modern world of electricity does add a certain thrill to those long nights in the your damp dungeons. The methods of torture we’ll take a peek at today are tried and true measures that will never let you down, but don’t be afraid to let your creative self loose. For instance, run some electricity through the copper boots and see what kind of results you get. Find out what works best for you. Remember, the only limit is your imagination!

We have to give credit to the medieval Christians, who were a particularly vicious bunch. They enthusiastically tortured people for three major reasons: to force confessions from those accused of heresy or witchcraft; to discourage dissent and intellectual freedom; and to persuade nonbelievers to follow the righteous path of Christianity. And these reasons basically apply to us now as well. Using torture, an autocratic ruler generally wants to get confessions for crimes against the state, punish those who stray and discourage those with similar ideas, and, of course, bring others into the fold. Maybe you have other reasons as well, maybe the pleasure the suffering of others brings to you personally. Whatever your goals, it’s important not to lose sight of them for the torture to be effective. Ask yourself: Why do I want to inflict unbearable agony on this person? Make sure you are clear on why torture is necessary in each case that comes up. Without focus, torture becomes a chaotic mess, something you want to avoid. You need to be in control all the time.

One of my favourites is the copper boot. Yes, a copper boot. You may not think of it as anything special, but the pain it inflicts is surprisingly great and there’s no risk of killing the subject. Great for a warm up to the real torture. The offender’s foot is placed inside an oversized copper boot. Boiling oil is then slowly poured into the boot to strip the flesh from the bones. Ooh, sounds painful.

Or try this one on male dissidents: get that penis erect (how you do this is completely up to you. Once again, be creative!). While a minion is working on the penis, heat the tubular 20 cm jaws of the iron crocodile shears until they’re red hot. Enclose the penis with the shears, burn it to a crisp, then tear it off completely. Alternatively, try the toothed iron testicle crushers. Or both at the same time! Youch!

And to be fair, one especially for the girls: the iron spider. Heat this crazy, multi-pronged clamp thing until it’s red hot, then maim and/or tear off the woman’s breast. Yea, you can be sure that’s going to hurt.

But maybe you’re looking for something a little more terrifying with a little more risk of death involved. In that case, try the wheel. This is pretty much as painful and horrific as it gets. It’s also closer to a method of execution than of torture. Now for this, you’re going to need a really big wheel with spokes. If you want to be authentic, go for the old carriage wheel with the iron edge. But if you’re a fully modern dictator, like me, you can just get a unicycle wheel and some iron bars or mallets instead of wasting your time and money tracking down antiques that will probly break the first time you try to use them anyway.

First, the offender is stripped naked and stretched out with his limbs spread and tied to stakes or something similarly fixed to the ground. Get some good thick chunks of lumber and place them under the wrists, elbows, ankles, knees and hips. Next, smash all the limbs and joints, including the shoulders and hips with the iron edge of the wheel or your mallet or whatever instrument of doom you’ve chosen. But remember to avoid fatal blows (i.e., to the head or heart). You don’t want to kill this poor bastard just yet. What you’re left with is a sort of huge screaming mass of shapeless flesh mixed up with splinters of smashed bone. Now for the next bit, you’re going to need your wheel. You want to braid the shattered limbs into the spokes of the wheel and then hoist it all up to the top of a pole where crows and other birds will peck chunks of flesh out for days. In olden times, before TV, the wheel was a very popular form of entertainment and large crowds of delighted onlookers turned out for a good wheeling. These days, however, you might want to keep this practice a secret or you’ll have the United Nations all over you and you’ve got enough trouble without them.

Now say that someone on your staff has a big mouth and tends to talk too much for his own good. Don’t just kill him. That’s much too easy. Make an example of him; put him in the Brank! This was originally used in England on women who talked too much, but don’t restrict yourself like this. Anyone with a loose tongue is fair game! The Brank is basically a steel cage worn like a helmet. Inside the cage is a protruding steel plate which can be sharpened or have steel spikes on it or both. The plate is placed in the mouth so that if the chatterbox even moves his tongue, there’s some major damage to the mouth and some rather excruciating pain. A chain can be attached to the front so that you can lead the offender around town like a dog on a leash. Convenient.

If you want to avoid any evidence of physical damage, I suggest the infamous Chinese water torture. The key to water torture is tying the prisoner down and strapping the head securely in place. You want to make sure that he can’t move anything but his eyes. Then drip water onto the forehead, one slow drip-plip at a time. After a while, your prisoner will confess that he is in fact a giant walking, talking pickle, should you so desire. Devilishly effective.

Other popular and effective ways to get what you want include: bamboo under the fingernails, disemboweling, foot roasting, the rack, the aptly titled hacking to pieces, impalement and the ever-popular flayed alive. It’s a wide world of torture out there for you to explore. Just remember that as a torturer/executioner, you have a responsibility to your victims to conduct your torture in an efficient and reasonable manner. Good torture that gets results requires a level head. Don’t let yourself get carried away by your excitement. And most importantly: wash your hands before and after every torture session. Good hygiene means good torture.



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