Hands Like Clouds

April 12, 2009

Assorted riffraff, you do understand that keeping you oppressed is quite an ordeal, don’t you? I know you think your Noble Commander is living large, blissfully watching the days slide past from Her veranda as She sips mimosas. And while I have been known to drink in the morning, it is not a delicious contentment and peace with the world that causes me to do so. No, citizens, it is you.

You unruly lot and your constant cries for freedom and more food drive your Beloved Autocrat to drink. Day in and day out, you come to me, begging me not to destroy your entire family for your insolence, crying at my feet for mercy when I catch you trying to overthrow the government, screaming in terror as My secret police take you on “vacation”. If it’s not food riots in the cities, it’s Amnesty International and their cursed watchdogs hounding Me to release my political prisoners. As you can well imagine, dear peons, all this negative energy takes its toll on your Mighty Sun. And drinking is clearly not the answer. Or at least not the only answer. As superior as I am to you in every possible way, My liver still has its limits. The scientists in My Hall of Science are hard at work to remove these limits, but until then, I must be patient and find another way to alleviate the suffering you cause me.

Recently, while our Ministers hammered out a new treaty, my good friend, Jong Il, and I had the chance to discuss this issue. He finds himself in the same position, constantly having to squelch one uprising or another, but he always seems so relaxed that I had to ask what his secret was. Surprisingly, the answer was not a steady supply of mood-altering drugs, but rather the Chinese martial art Tai Chi. Naturally, I was skeptical at first, since this seemed to fall into the category of things that the most insufferable of my peons take part in, like yoga. But Jong Il assured me that I could just kill those people and ban the practise of Tai Chi by anyone other than Myself.

And citizens–those of you left after the Tai Chi purges–let me assure you that your Great Leader is a much happier and relaxed sovereign now. Taking a moment to go through My Tai Chi form after a long morning of sending people to work camps really eases the knots in My shoulders and My liver is looking much better. The time I spend carrying tigers over mountains is time that I am not focused on you and all the heartache you cause Me. When I spread My wings like the white crane, I forget about the demonstrators being gassed in the streets. The slow, gentle movements in harmony with the energy of life and the earth below have shown Me a calmer, more satisfying way of life. Yes, dear pawns, since I began this ancient practice, I have even spared a life or two.

Some of the other dictators have insinuated that this might be a show of weakness, but I still have enough assassins to make them regret those words. And in any case, your Supreme Cutie Pie does not fear the censure of others. No, now that I have My energy flowing within Me correctly, I have the inner peace to beam beatifically as I oversee their executions.

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