Burn the Banks!

June 20, 2009

The time to rise up is now, minions! Your Whistling Wonder’s every move is being thwarted by twisted moneylenders, bent on keeping a dictator down! Do not hold back, citizens. This is what all those drills were for. Get your gear and take to the financial districts of the world. These people must pay for the insults they have dealt to your Eighth Wonder of the World.

Working hard to keep you in your place as always, I recently shook hands (wearing gloves, of course!) on a large and hard-negotiated sale of arms to the Land of the Rising Sun. But outrage! That country’s banks refuse to recognize My Blinding Light and My True Birthright. They also refuse to transfer money to an overseas bank account. I know some of you are already collapsing to your knees in despair because you have realized that no transfer means no food for you.

Those foreign devils have no idea what they are doing to you; you must come out of the shadows and speak now with one voice, dear peasants. Proceed immediately to your nearest weapons station where you will be armed for an attack on the global financial sector. This war will not be won easily, but with enough of you sacrificial lambs, we might just get the bank transfer we so earnestly desire. Do not be afraid to die for your Saintliest of All and Her Holy Cash Flow.

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