Not Dead Yet

August 21, 2009

Although the assassination attempts just keep coming (yes, America, I know you were behind the shrapnel in my granola), your Fierce and Fiery continues to stand proudly on the beaten down bodies of you, citizens. The carpet your limp and weary forms provide has protected Me on more than one occasion. Such a rich and thick carpet that not even land mines can penetrate it to harm your Cutthroat Autocrat.

And the heat emitted by your prostrate selves keeps Me warm even during this summer of endless cold.  It was only after the Great Move was completed that the foolish bureaucrats who previously managed the day-to-day dealings of the Republic (bureaucrats who no longer have heads attached to shoulders) realized that the climes of this new location were significantly cooler than what you lowly peons were accustomed to. More importantly, your Gallant Hero hates the cold. But I have realized the strategic importance of Our new location and so citizens, I must impart to you the need to hold fast until We can realize our political goals.

Yes, the summers are like winter here. And yes, the rain burns like acid. And yes, yes, the tornadoes tear the roofs from your homes. But peons, you must be strong and bear this ungodly weather for the sake of the Republic. Once certain unmentionable business is concluded and Your Amazing Fandancer is ruler of the entire freaking planet, the Republic will be able to change the weather and have warm feet without standing on the half-alive bodies of citizens.

Summer Promotion

August 9, 2009

Your Pre-Marinated thinks about you all the time, sweet peons. Even when the weather is bad and your Big and Bad is trapped indoors as the sky falls to the earth (as it so often does lately), My thoughts drift to you. It may be that I don’t have enough wars to fight, or as some dissidents would argue, I don’t have any real enemies, but citizens, listening to the pounding rain outside, I cannot keep my thoughts from you and your hardship.

I won’t say that I have anything that could be called hope for your crops or your survival, but if anything your High and Mighty feels could be called hope, it would be this desire that you continue to live so that I might continue to oppress you. Because, dear peons, your oppression makes my heart sing.

Dinner with Mugabe

August 3, 2009

It will come as no surprise to you that your Alpha and Omega strives to keep up to date with Her fellow authoritarian leaders. Generally, this means online chats and facebook updates, but from time to time, I like to step away from the screen and let My eyes run over the pages of that mysterious and old-fashioned media, the book.

Yes, I cannot deny that I like to kill trees as much as you do, My ordinary citizens. But while you use your dead trees to warm your homes in cold weather, your Superior Mind uses the timber to fashion paper filled with tiny letters.

But with so many pages filled with tiny letters, it is a task to decide which of them shall accompany your Serious Intellectual to her majestic home. So naturally, your government favours any and all books with a dictatorial bent. A recent acquisition was Dinner with Mugabe by some random peasant by the name of Heidi Holland.

Now, any book that spends over two hundred pages discussing my good friend Robert Mugabe should certainly be a worthwhile read. And in the hands of someone more competent or terrified of punishment, perhaps this could have been. But the letters that fill these pages were flat and without resonance. Althought dear and ruthless Bob’s life has been a fascinating and active one, I would think he had done nothing but collect garbage his entire life judging from the writing in this book.

If a dictator can feel admiration for someone in the ruled class, then I will admit that I appreciate the access Holland was able to gain to Mugabe’s friends and family. The interviews and stories she gets from them are by far the most compelling part of her tale. But her story falls short when it comes to personal narrative. Trying to portray herself as a liberal wanting to see Zimbabwe freed of colonial rule, she inserts herself into the story whenever possible. But her connection to Mugabe is tenuous and certainly not enough to sustain the narrative arc she seems to perceive as dramatic.

Naturally, My complaints are many, because as a Harsh Leader, I would have everything under My control. But the fact is, peons, there are few books detailing the heroic acts of My comrades. So despite its flaws, this Despot believes that this book will teach much about the ways of the dictator. But do not worry, it will not be required reading. In this at least, you have the power of choice, peon.