Not Dead Yet

August 21, 2009

Although the assassination attempts just keep coming (yes, America, I know you were behind the shrapnel in my granola), your Fierce and Fiery continues to stand proudly on the beaten down bodies of you, citizens. The carpet your limp and weary forms provide has protected Me on more than one occasion. Such a rich and thick carpet that not even land mines can penetrate it to harm your Cutthroat Autocrat.

And the heat emitted by your prostrate selves keeps Me warm even during this summer of endless cold.  It was only after the Great Move was completed that the foolish bureaucrats who previously managed the day-to-day dealings of the Republic (bureaucrats who no longer have heads attached to shoulders) realized that the climes of this new location were significantly cooler than what you lowly peons were accustomed to. More importantly, your Gallant Hero hates the cold. But I have realized the strategic importance of Our new location and so citizens, I must impart to you the need to hold fast until We can realize our political goals.

Yes, the summers are like winter here. And yes, the rain burns like acid. And yes, yes, the tornadoes tear the roofs from your homes. But peons, you must be strong and bear this ungodly weather for the sake of the Republic. Once certain unmentionable business is concluded and Your Amazing Fandancer is ruler of the entire freaking planet, the Republic will be able to change the weather and have warm feet without standing on the half-alive bodies of citizens.

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