Be a Pirate!

September 21, 2009


This day be a day fer respectin’ them amazin’ forerunners ‘o our society, th’ band ‘o pirates. Although yer Sailin’ High has no respect fer anyone but Her Own Impressive Action, She feels that She must gift due whar it be due. ‘N that be to th’ band ‘o pirates. So let them half ’tis day, Me sweet peons. ‘N let us all celebrate wit’ a big barnacle-covered bottle ‘o spiced rum, because that be what band ‘o pirates do. ‘N let us bow our heads in our drunken stupor, rememberin’ our mighty forefathers. Aah, sweet memory.


Sweet Poland

September 15, 2009

Why Poland is Our ally

Citizens, this is why Poland continues to be our staunch ally. We simply cannot resist their poetry. A nation that speaks of the buffalo with such lyricism has won Our heart. Together, we will find a way to conquer the world. And then I will betray them, of course. It is the natural progression of the dictatorial alliance. But in the meantime, this nation will raise Zubr in toasts and sing the praises of Polish brewmasters! If you doubt the word of your Far-reaching hand, My secret police will soon be at your door. There are no second chances in the Republic.

Case Study

September 12, 2009

Free-willed Individual to Dictator’s Mental Slave

DAY 1: Subject arrives. A forced arrival, but an arrival nonetheless. Subject is female, in good health, age 32, height 165 cm, weight 55 kg. In the interests of the experiment, to completely remove subject’s attachment to former life, will refer to Subject as Clock. Subject protests violently and must be restrained when informed of new name. Seems to have quite a lively personality, erasing it will be a challenge.
2100h: Clock demands to be released, makes veiled threats of legal action. Does not seem to realize that participation is not voluntary. Clock’s strong character will make the experiment more interesting. Brain cleansing begins tomorrow 0800h. Read the rest of this entry »

School Days!

September 7, 2009

Aaah, citizens. When the wind blows cool through the soon-to-be-bare trees, our thoughts drift inevitably to education. And not just for children, peons. No, education is a lifelong activity in the IRJ. Naturally, your Tall and Mighty is not just referring to classes in school, those hours when you learned the meaning of flagella and quanta, but the day-to-day experiences of learning your place in the world and understanding the rules of the greater society around you.

As citizens of the Republic, you are always on guard, wary of any infraction of the many rules of this great land. But no matter how vigilant you are, you know, citizen, that you are not perfect. You had an egg for lunch, didn’t you? Even though you knew that Your Rising Sun is allergic to eggs and therefore, no one in the land is permitted to enjoy their fetal flavour. Or perhaps you forgot that yesterday was the Day of Dance? I did notice that you barely raised your arms in celebration yesterday on your way to work.

So even though you profess your understanding and awareness of the safety harness Your Word on the Street so kindly provides, you trangress these sacred laws many¬† times in a single day. And citizens, I think you know that this cannot continue. Don’t make my Secret Police work any harder. Already, they work so much overtime that their spouses are essentially widowed. Review the list on your fridge and make sure that your everyday actions are free of offense to your Fast and Furious. Let the autumn breezes remind you of your duties to the State!