Setting Things Straight

December 25, 2009

You have nothing to celebrate but Me, citizens. Make no mistake. This “christmas” thing is just another ruse by the outside world to make you think that there is something worth living for other than the great Independent Republic of Josi and your Leader of the Pack. No matter insulated you are from those evil influences of the hostile world that surrounds us, some of you are no doubt sorely tempted by the evil foreigners’ promises of free candy and wireless Internet.

Peons, the free candy is poisoned and the wireless Internet is monitored. You will not be free there. Ignore the sickly sweet Western voice whispering in your ear and re-affirm your commitment to the Republic and its myriad delights. Delights such as harvesting crops, delicious meals of gruel and leftover vegetables, state-sponsored education programs and of course, the polished statues of your Finest Finery all over the immense Republic.

And the statues are fine. Although there could be more of them. I hope you sculptors are already hard at work. But if not, perhaps you should dig out your bronze and your kilns lest a certain secret police service were to come knocking on your door. And if you are secretly celebrating one of those non-IRJ holidays, my special forces kicking in your door might seriously dampen holiday spirits.

Always Looking Forward

December 22, 2009

Yes, another year has passed, citizens. And yes, it could be said that your Bright and Shiny has added another increment to Her age, but those of you saying that are looking for knocks on your door in the middle of the night. Safer to say that your Pie in the Sky is timeless, ageless, infinite and omnipresent. No need to get bogged down in the laws of physics when it comes to Me. This day is only marked in the Republic as a celebration of My mightiness, My ancient wisdom, My bright smile. This is a time of celebration, peons, the greatest day of the year, a day which marks the descent of your Tip Top from the heavens above to the earth to rule you and bring order to these scattered lands. So bring on the parties and presents. Do not forget to worship Me on this day of days!

Vermin

December 3, 2009

Citizens, I realize that your modest shacks are overrun with a variety of unpleasant visitors: cockroaches, mice, spiders, possibly fire ants–I don’t know your specifics. But I do know that the poverty I force upon you can only lead to one place: disgusting pests snacking on your meagre stocks.

But your Deep and Delicious is not you. No, citizens. My needs are greater than yours. My life is more extravagant than yours. Most importantly, My nerves are more sensitive than yours. And those of you daring to compare your desperate, tragic selves to your Cat’s Pyjamas will soon be welcoming My secret police and saying good-bye to your heads.

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