Maintaining Order

January 30, 2010

Citizens! Rumours have reached My Head Pitchers of Glory, rumours to the effect that a revolution is being planned at this very moment. Insurrection! Riot! Mayhem and coup d’├ętat! I issue this official communication to remind those would-be revolutionaries of a few important facts.

Your Iron Glove developed Her own not-insignificant cult of personality partially through Her impressive indoctrination of the military forces of the Independent Republic of Josi. You see, aspiring activists, together with former Commander-in-Chief and fallen comrade Julius Meindl, I used what the psychologists among you might call “classical conditioning” (if there were any psychologists left among you after the great intellectual purges of the last decade). Normally, we think of Pavlov and his dogs if we even bother to consider classical conditioning at all, but Pavlov was a fool who did not understand the import of his own work. Clearly, this was a tool meant for building better, more loyal soldiers. Think less Pavlov, more Clockwork Orange.

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Sharp Snap of the Whip

January 22, 2010

Citizens! Where have you been hiding?

Don’t think your Fire and Brimstone has not noted your obvious absence. You know these winter months drag Me down and depression inevitably leads Me to invade another country just for the distraction. Do you want to endure another war this year, peons? Have you so soon forgotten the tragicomedy (my good friend Gurbanguly and I enjoyed the comedy of your tragic lives being wasted on the fields below us) of that little venture into Turkmenistan in the fall? If you do not desire to see such a pointless waste of the lives of your compatriots yet again, then perhaps you might make the time–although I know I am asking a lot from your pointless peasant lives spent scrabbling at the dirt for food–to come and dance for your Dictator and President-for-Life?

The grey skies of this post-Yule season are even more oppressive than most and your Rigged Game finds that only the sunny faces of Her peasants can shine any light into the gloom. Sunny faces while dancing, of course. No need to bring any shuffling monkeys into My Glorious Presence. But no need to worry about the mental health of your Rocking Out, citizens! Should any less than satisfactory citizens make their way before Me, their sad dance will be cut short by snipers lining the upper levels of the main hall. Because in the end, the force of the bullet that causes your malnourished bodies to jolt in unusual ways does bring a smile to My heavy heart.