Maintaining Order

January 30, 2010

Citizens! Rumours have reached My Head Pitchers of Glory, rumours to the effect that a revolution is being planned at this very moment. Insurrection! Riot! Mayhem and coup d’état! I issue this official communication to remind those would-be revolutionaries of a few important facts.

Your Iron Glove developed Her own not-insignificant cult of personality partially through Her impressive indoctrination of the military forces of the Independent Republic of Josi. You see, aspiring activists, together with former Commander-in-Chief and fallen comrade Julius Meindl, I used what the psychologists among you might call “classical conditioning” (if there were any psychologists left among you after the great intellectual purges of the last decade). Normally, we think of Pavlov and his dogs if we even bother to consider classical conditioning at all, but Pavlov was a fool who did not understand the import of his own work. Clearly, this was a tool meant for building better, more loyal soldiers. Think less Pavlov, more Clockwork Orange.

During their aggressive push out of Japan during World War II, the Japanese military supposedly trained its soldiers to embrace violence, to actually enjoy the killing that they would be expected to do for their emperor (divine birthright is hard to argue with). A Chinese prisoner would be set kneeling before a group of young soldiers, who then had to step up and bayonet the prisoner. As they did so, another group of soldiers would cheer them on and praise them for the bayonetting. The soldiers who had actually stabbed the prisoner would then be treated to delicious sake, “comfort women” and the best meal they had had in months.

Hopeful reformers, perhaps you have come to understand where your Mighty Fist is leading you. Each soldier of the Republic has spent months, even years, being conditioned to enjoy stabbing citizens and to value the needs of their Top Notch over even their own lives. If your eyes are full of stars as you plan this revolution, this take-down of the only person who has ever truly loved you, be aware that these soldiers are everywhere. Not just my beloved Electric Green Shirts on every street corner; no, no, citizens. Surely, after all the midnight disappearances of confidantes and lovers, you have realized by now that my people are everywhere, maintaining order and suppressing dissent. Did you not wonder how I came to know of your plans? There is always a betrayer among you, dear peasants. Always one person who has spent time with a bayonet, a political prisoner and lots of cocaine. Look around and ask yourself if you are willing to take that person on for something as ridiculous as “personal freedom”.

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