Fight-o, Baby Doc!

February 4, 2010

Baby Doc, the suavest dictator ever?

Suave!

As if toppled ally Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier didn’t have enough troubles, the government of Switzerland is trying to kick him in the nuts while he is writhing in agony on the ground. Those neutral bastards. Leave Baby Doc alone. He’s had a hard time.

Perhaps those of you still foolish enough to engage in free thought are wondering exactly how a man who absconded to France with millions of his country’s gourdes has been hard done by. I shake My head indulgently at your ignorance as I dispatch members of My Doom Force to make sure you are “cured” of this free thinking problem you have.

Of course, the world was not always so harsh for lonely Baby Doc. No, there was a time when young dictators like Myself looked up to him and his masterful manipulation of the international community. Having at 19 inherited the presidency of Haiti from his despotic father, Francois Duvalier–better known as Papa Doc–our young hero worked hard to show the international community that he was cleaning up the terrible authoritarian regime of his father, while continuing to perpetrate the worst of the abuses on his citizenry. He skillfully maintained this balancing act from 1971 until 1986 when a faltering economy caused the ignorant peasants to rise up against him and he was forced to flee with his family.

Being ousted from power is a hard blow for a dictator and not one that is easily overcome, no matter how many years the fallen leader might spend in therapy. To be sure, he worked to console himself by living a life of luxury in France, but rubbing a little salt in the wound, the millions he had pilfered from Haiti’s coffers were unjustly ripped away from him in a divorce from his first wife. And now, peasants? Now, this glorious and important man lives in a rented apartment in Paris. The man who rightly should be lording over millions has a landlord lording over him. He may even have creditors calling him while he is trying to eat supper, the ceaseless ringing of the harrassing telephone giving him indigestion.

And then those Swiss bastards freeze the money that is rightfully his. This in spite of the fact that their own courts ruled that they must return the more than $4.6 million to Baby Doc. But because the Swiss did not get the outcome they desired, even though they worked hard to rig the system in their favour, they have pulled out all the stops to prevent Baby Doc from getting his hands on his own money: they froze the money so that they can pass a new law to make sure the money goes to Haitian aid groups. Unreal. A government unilaterally ignoring its courts and its people to push its own agenda. Will the Swiss cease their devious scheming and hand the cash over in the end? Only time will tell, citizens. Until then, I am enacting a mandatory encouraging letter writing policy. Let Baby Doc know that we in the Independent Republic of Josi at least, are on his side.

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