Toilets Everywhere!

February 13, 2010

Peasants, what is going on? Have you evolved en masse into some kind of post-human creatures who have somehow eliminated the need for urination and defecation? Your Dazzling Light generally pays little to no attention to your insignificant doings, but on a recent excursion to review the troops, She could not help but notice the large numbers of toilets on the pothole-ridden streets in front of your slovenly shacks. Some with their bowls cracked in two or even three, some coloured offensive yellows and pale blues, some the standard white. But all of them toilets. And all of them outside of the room where they ostensibly belong: the toilet room. (If you are wealthy enough to have a bathtub: the bathroom. But if you are wealthy enough to own a bathtub, you are not a citizen of My Republic and hence should avert your eyes from the glory of My words.)

Why are you removing the toilets from your shacks, peons? Do you believe them to be possessed of evil spirits? I realize that your ignorance is nearly boundless, but surely even backwards rustics such as yourselves cannot honestly believe a demon is in your toilet. Take your Spiritual Leader’s words to heart, peons: Your toilets do not have demons or creatures of any sort in them. Nor will anything come up from inside the toilet to bite your bony bottoms. Unless that radioactive alligator from the experiments finally figures out how to get out of the sewers. There is absolutely no reason for you to be so carelessly and wastefully throwing out your toilets.

Stop tossing the porcelain, people. It disturbs your Overbearing Overlord and you know what happens when I am disturbed: I take it out on you. Because I love you. Only love, peasants. Only love.


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