Broken!

March 6, 2010

Loyal peons, you may have already heard the distressing news. The Canadians are trying to assassinate your Heart’s Desire. Yes, the Canadians. It is true that they play the innocent ingenue card well, but beneath their polite apologies and gentle doughnut-eating ways is a ferocious lust for power. They will stop at nothing to annex the Independent Republic of Josi and add yet another province to their ever-growing list of territories.

Being of quick mind and supple intelligence, I have long suspected that something evil lay beneath the soft veneer of kindness that the Canadians show the world at large and have thus always insisted on an entourage larger than My usual group of Doom Force soldiers whenever I have visited that dishonourable nation. However, even this protective human shield was not enough to block the nefarious Canadians.

Knowing that I was amply protected at all times, the Canadians must have been frustrated at how I thwarted them in their attempts to seize My Mighty Nation. Therefore, they seized upon the one time when they perhaps perceived there might be a chink of some kind in My armor: the annual Dictator Skates with the People event. As every good citizen is well aware, once a year, your Fancy Pants likes to remind Her people that She is not so different from them, by strapping on Her skates and gliding angelically, gracefully across the smooth surface of frozen water, separated from Her people by nothing more than a plexiglass bubble.

These Canadians, seeing that I could not be harmed in My bullet- and sword-proof bubble, must have frantically sought out some way to defeat Me. And they must have realized the key was the very ice under My feet. They did not delay in taking advantage of this possible weakness, digging a foot-sized hole out of the ice just out of view ahead of Me. When I rounded the corner, I saw nothing but peasants enjoying their annual skate with their beloved leader.

Yes, citizens, by the time I realized their villainous trap, I was already upon it. Too late to avoid tripping it entirely, I nevertheless valiantly threw myself to one side, in the hopes that I could at least escape plunging into the bitter-cold water of the river racing below the ice. And escape that fate I did. But in the process, I was injured.

Now peasants, do not weep too wildly. Your Ice Dancer was not injured to the point of being unable to control your lives and keep you in line. No, no. After shooting all Canadians within view, my Doom Force rushed me to a hospital where it was learned that My elbow had suffered a fracture. This fracture has prevented many two-handed activities these last weeks, but fortunately, I am the despotic ruler of a small independent republic. I need not rely on My own two hands. My mere thoughts are enough to punish insurrection, peasants.

So citizens, now is the time to curry My favour. Send gifts of all types to ease My pain and comfort Me in this time of great suffering. Now is not the time to be thinking of rising up against Me. I am already very cranky thanks to the pain of my broken joint. Do not push Me.

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