Over the Top

April 30, 2010

While his dictatorial credentials may be up for debate, we dictators can all learn a lesson from disgraced Kyrgyzstan president Kurmanbek Bakiyev. And that lesson, fellow autocrats, is how to live large.

Bakiyev was the great hope of this former Soviet nation in Central Asia. Naturally, he could not live up to his own hype since he chose to follow democratic methods and actually allow opposition parties to exist, to the extent that he was actually harassed by his opponents, even if those opponents were claiming that he was too authoritarian and corrupt, which is not very harassing. A dictator would immediately implement a long and crippling reign of terror of some kind when the first tentative voice of protest arose, even if that protest was to note said dictator’s increasingly facist nature. So your Deep and Delicious does not mean to imply in any way that this man should be considered worthy of any kind of dictatorial alliance or even a dinner party. You can’t trust people who seek to settle disputes equitably.

However! After he fled his angry masses to Belarus, the peasants stormed his house and discovered a zoo! Of exotic and endangered animals! This is pure dictator. Of course, every iron-fisted ruler keeps at least a few unconventional pets. I Myself have a couple of sand cats. These unusual creatures help communicate just how far above the seething masses you truly are. But this would-be dictator Bakiyev kept a private zoo. A zoo which included snow leopards, peacocks and a golden eagle. This is exactly the over-the-top style that every true dictator should be cultivating.

Although this president-in-exile has nothing to teach us about oppressing the masses, he seems to have much knowledge to impart on cultivating the perfect cult of personality. Take a moment to learn, comrades. I  already have my secret squad of doom working hard to acquire a Chinese river dolphin, one of the rarest creatures of all!