July 17, 2010

Oh, loyal citizens, I know you are half-dead with the heat and yet you continue to perform the requisite dances at the appointed hours. And this, citizens, this is why I am not indifferent to you. Recently, however, some of you have given voice to your dissatisfaction with the national law against air conditioners of any kind (excluding My own palatial mansion and offices, for clearly someone so great and glorious as Myself cannot be expected to live as a commoner in air that is warm and wet like My own breath). Be warned that you tread in dangerous waters here. A little grumbling against absurdly warm temperatures is something Your Sweetly Reclining understands only too well. But when that grumbling shifts from the vague enemy of climate to the more specific target of Me, My secret squad of doom starts looking for ways to silence that grumbling.

So! Do not lament your lack of machine-cooled air in these hot times, but rather rejoice in your Far-Reaching’s European diplomatic mission! Celebrate the opening of European relations with watermelon and beer, although maybe not at the same time! Citizens, we have long suffered under the mistakenly scornful gaze of the Europeans and their condescending attitude to all things not European. But no more! Yes, the rumours that have reached your filthy ears are true. The Austrians have begged us to reconsider our boycott of their delicious chocolates and the English have sent a request through unofficial channels that IRJ snipers stop shooting passengers on their underground. Until now, with no formal diplomatic relations, it had been impossible to respond to these requests. However, the Austrians have received our ambassador only too willingly, with the English looking to follow suit.

Thus, it is with great pleasure that I announce my European tour. Yes, dear peons, your Fighting Spirit is headed across the ocean to instruct the Europeans in the subtle ways of the IRJ. Naturally, we wave the flag of peace now even as we solidify our plans to take over these countries and enslave their citizenry for you, dear peasants. Your dictator will not fail you. Keep your eyes firmly focused on our goal of complete world domination. We grow closer to it with each passing day.