Officiality!

December 22, 2010

Terrorem Causa Oboedien

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Another year

December 21, 2010

Oh citizens, as we prepare for the annual festivities to celebrate your Incredible Action’s descent from the heavens, I hope none of you have forgotten what happened to those peons who “forgot” to send presents last year. Although I am a tolerant ruler, I cannot abide by insurrection via non-present-giving. And be honest, there is no one so deserving of a present as your Fox Trot.

There were some citizens who, at last year’s dictatorial festivities, declined to participate in the gift presentation, and as has been widely broadcast by state channels, those citizens were executed shortly after the gifts were not received. From this example, I think it is clear, citizens, that your Hot Stuff expects presents and has no compunction about removing those citizens that do not offer up the entirety of their net worth on the anniversary of Her glorious birth.

No, She does not need or want any of it, but as a Dictator, She cannot allow any of you to have it. So send Me those cookies in tinsel-covered packages, citizens. Send Me your first-born so that I might sell them to hostile nations. Do all this and more for your beloved Republic, citizens, and your Tap Master just might let you keep your head. Maybe.

Overseas comrades

December 12, 2010

Have you considered the greatness of Alexander Lukashenko, peasants? Your Fiercely Forward has many allies, but dear Alexander is currently in My thoughts the most of all My warriors in the great battle against democratic principles. Naturally, we all already love him for his bubbly personality and the great jokes he tells at parties, but were you aware, citizens, of his immensely dictatorial nature? Yes, he may claim the title of president of Belarus, but the fact is, peons, this man is a great dictator and I look forward to his future feats.

Did you know, for instance, that this wonderful man managed to wrangle things so that a 2004 referendum abolished the constitution’s two-term presidential limit? And that he thus enjoyed a third term as president? Classic dictatorial behaviour, peasants. This is a man on the way up. I look forward to eyeing him suspiciously over drinks one day soon.

While travelling undercover in the former Soviet Union, your Conquering Crisis spoke to more than one Belarusian who insisted that our dear Alexander was insane, but clearly, this cannot be the case. He is far too canny for that. What appears to be insanity to an ordinary peasant is a clever and well-constructed plan for Belarusian domination. Even before the fall of the Soviet Union, our hero was working hard to oppress his citizens. After undermining Gorbachev, the leader of the Soviet Union, by supporting a coup, he admitted that an authoritarian rule suited him, and his early years in power testified to this belief. He disbanded parliament and then selected the new parliament. Friends and allies fled the country in fear of his retribution.

Yes, citizens, I could wax poetic for days about the many draconian measures taken by Alexander. But there is no need for my poetry. What is important here is that you realize that he is a rising star in the world of dictators and we can only hope to see more of him. Perhaps you will meet his citizens in battle and marvel at their indoctrination. Perhaps, even more excitingly, we can look forward to golden statues of Lukashenko dotting squares throughout the country. Naturally, they will not turn to follow the sun like that miracle perpetrated by our dear departed comrade, Niyazov, but they will no doubt enhance the beauty of the natural world around them and strengthen the position of their namesake, Alexander.

Can I just say here, peasants, that our great ally Niyazov is still sorely missed? His cult of personality is a great source of inspiration and your Main Attraction has a small army hard at work at creating a sun statue of My own. Soon, peons. Soon.

Sniffles

December 2, 2010

Your Practical Imperative would never admit weakness in a public forum. Remember this, peasants. Better still to remember that I have no weaknesses and that since my legendary descent from the centre of the sun to earth, I have been perfect in all ways, including my health. And know, too, that I am no fool. I work to protect Myself and My domain from any and all threats. Which of course includes illness.

Peons, while you may fall ill all the time with colds and flus and other peasant diseases like dysentery, your Up High has no flaws in her immune system that would allow your maladies to infect Her. But I do like to test Myself, prepare Myself for anything that might block My path to total world domination. And so I have had myself infected with your common cold. Naturally, massive doses were required to cause even the slightest of symptoms.

My Science Dungeons are filled with the scientific geniuses needed to create such massive disease dosing. Those same scientists, chained to the walls of their damp, underground prison, came up with the cure for the common cold many years ago, but I am holding onto that for when negotiations with other world leaders get tough. Think of that when your noses are stuffy, peons, and know that My power knows no bounds.

And now that I am dosed and properly infected, I find the sensations deeply unpleasant. I remind myself that this is My training, part of My many preparations for My eventual global coup d’├ętat. But this red nose, these weepy eyes, My once magnificent lungs now shadows of their former glory–this training is difficult, I cannot deny it. My only consolation is that one day the constant nose-blowing and tea-drinking will have prepared Me for something much greater.