Badmouthing the regime

January 7, 2011

Oh dear peasants, I often think gladly about the amorphous nature of the borders of the IRJ. After all, if you are to escape My cruel iron fist, you must first know the way out. And I’m sure that you who have attempted this escape and still live so that I might make examples of you, you are well aware of the vague nature of the borders of this mighty republic and the god-like omnipotence of My secret squad of doom who steal you from your homes in the middle of the night.

Imagine if you were able to find a border and slip away in the dark to a neighbouring country hostile to the IRJ. (Yes, Canada, My steely gaze is firmly fixed on you.) The shame you would bring on yourself and the UN inspectors you would entice into My seat of power! Just the thought of dealing with those pusillanimous bureaucrats is nearly enough to put me off of these delightful and expensive truffles. And to think that My dear friend and loyal ally Kim Jong-il has gone through exactly this. And that the contemptible peon who slipped out of the great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea would spill state secrets in a book! That was written in French with Pierre Rigoulot and translated into English by Yair Reiner! Naturally, I sent a fruit basket to help sweet Jong-il through the terrible betrayal by a seemingly loyal citizen.

In The Aquariums of Pyongyang, the lost sheep of a citizen Kang Chol-Hwan tells of being sent with his family to a reeducation camp at the age of nine. I personally have a strict policy of keeping children of political dissidents to work in the presidential diamond mine (their little hands are perfect for plucking diamonds out of the earth!), but I can understand why dear Jong-il would round up an entire family for reeducation. Apple and tree and all that.  And knowing the great leader of the DPRK, I am convinced that this book is made entirely of lies. Camps like these are to turn those wayward sheep into proper citizens again, not torture them by locking them into tiny boxes for months on end.

And no one in a reeducation camp lacks proper nutrition, forcing them to catch and eat rats and insects. That sort of thing would never take place. Jong-il, like Myself, loves his citizens and only wants the best for them. When we catch our peons doing things like listening to foreign radio, we have no choice but to chase those foreign lies out of their heads. Those outsiders will say anything to destroy our perfect and sacred regimes.

What we have here is a man desperate to smear the good name of a good man. There are no famines in the DPRK. They are completely self-sufficient. Would you deny the words of one of the greatest communists I have ever had the pleasure of dining on heart-stoppingly delicious caviar with? No, this Kang fellow is clearly out to sabotage the decades of hard work put in first by Kim Il-sung and then by his son, My own friend, Jong-il. These lies must be stopped. Take a moment, citizens, if you value your lives, to send your sympathies to this great friend of the Republic. Let Jong-il know that he still has allies outside his borders. And then pull the string to extinguish your lone light source. You have wasted enough of My power today.


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