January 16, 2011

Perhaps you have heard about the troubles our Tunisian friend, Ben Ali, is facing? Then you have clearly been disobeying My dictatorial imperative in contacting the world outside the IRJ and that will be the end of you, peon. But I will let you cower in terror for a few days as a lesson to those citizens who may have come into contact with your disturbing thought crimes. I cannot believe that any of My beloved peasants would be so malcontent as to follow the example of those Tunisian rebels, but a good dictator knows to squash even the hint of rebellion and so, I punish those of you passing rebellious information to others in the Republic. You no longer merit the title “citizen”. You are nothing but criminals and before you die, you will see the insides of the notorious camps on the outskirts of My glorious nation.

Those of you who have not yet betrayed the Republic (and My Doom Force is watching to make sure you don’t), join me in wishing Tunisian president Zine el-Abidine Ben Ali the best. All this trouble because of a fruit seller! Which teaches us autocrats to deny our citizens yet another privilege: that of a balanced diet. Although, if you are a true despot, you have already reduced your population to a monotonous and body-weakening regime of gruel. Because now the suicide of this fruit seller has become the flashpoint igniting the anger and fears of a repressed population. An educated population, but nonetheless repressed.

Another lesson can be found in the level of education in Tunisia. Although I do hate to criticize a friend, I must confess that Ben Ali’s policies with regard to education have always perplexed Me. One of my first decrees upon seizing control of the IRJ was to ban all forms of education, knowing as I do that an educated populace is a thinking populace.  And a thinking populace is, eventually, a rebellious populace. And yet Ben Ali went so far as to encourage education! I often wondered, what is he thinking! I have no doubt that he was not thinking about his downfall, even though this is where his leniency and open-mindedness has led. Twenty-three years of autocratic rule and for what? A desperate flight with his family to Saudia Arabia. That is no way for a despot to live. We oppress; we are not the oppressed.

There is talk of Ben Ali coming to Canada to join his daughter living in Montréal, and your Giant Leap certainly hopes he does. We are now neighbouring the arctic country and an overthrown dictator needs, above all else, the companionship of fellow autocrats, the consoling words of those who understand only too well the position he is in. That any of us could end up there suddenly is something we are all acutely aware of. Crushing the spirit of a nation is dangerous business and there will always be those “free souls” determined to bring about our downfall. So Canada, if you wish to remain on good terms with the mighty Josibear, perhaps you should consider approving that visa application. And France, you’re doing a great job! Keep hanging back in the shadows and let our man escape with his life and his riches. You’ll be rewarded handsomely when I take over the entire freaking planet.


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