Dramatic hand on forehead

January 31, 2011

Citizens, your Rebellion Smasher has taken to her bed, heartsick at the tragedies befalling her Egyptian comrade, Hosni Mubarak. The reports keep rolling in, from my own Doom Force and from the international media that you, peons, are not permitted to have any contact with for precisely this reason. Look what’s happening in Egypt! And what happened in Tunisia! Although I sympathize with my African comrades and have reached out with support in the form of arms and troops to put those citizens back in their place, I cannot help judging them for being so permissive to start with. If they had only done what I have done, and restrict all communication with the outside world, their governments might still be healthily oppressing their masses.

Instead, my comrades inexplicably allowed their peasants  extravagant liberties such as mobile phones and limited Internet access. And while dear Mubarak did attempt to rectify that error by turning the Internet off the other day, really, it was too little too late. So this I say to you, aspiring autocrats, if you are not prepared to commit to the persecution and subjugation of an entire people without rest or respite, then perhaps you are not cut out for the dictatorial game. I rip babies from their mothers’ breasts and trade them for drugs to make zombies of rebels, who I then arm and send out to hunt each other in a giant game for my own entertainment. If you cannot picture yourself taking dramatic action such as this, start looking for work now and save your citizens the trouble of revolting.

Also, your weakness disgusts me.


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