Insult, meet injury

June 20, 2011

Honestly, it is just shocking. When your Scientific Discovery first heard the news, I had to sit down and shake My fist at the sky in anger and despair. First, those ungrateful peasants chase multi-talented and gloriously just Ferdinand Marcos out of the Philippines, depriving the man of his rightful dictatorial place, and now, citizens! Now! Their usurper of a president, Benigno Aquino, has declared that he will not allow the late great Marcos to return to Manila for burial as a national hero. The ignominy! The shame! How can they do this to the man who kept his country under martial law for nine years to keep down the opposition Communist Party and other dissenters? The man who murdered one of his first political rivals and then represented himself in court, getting acquitted of all charges despite strong evidence pointing towards his guilt? That is pure dictatorial style and he deserves to be recognized for his many years of service to his nation.

But it seems that the sourpusses ruling the Philippines now just have to hold a grudge and deny Marcos his final honourable place of rest. Isn’t it bad enough that his wife Imelda has been holding on to his preserved body since he died in 1989? And that she’s been reduced to kissing the glass that entombs him instead of the tombstone that should be a magnificent marker of his storied life? Isn’t it about time to let the whole oppressed peoples thing drop? My own sneaking suspicion is that Aquino is taking what might be his only chance to revenge his father, who was assassinated in 1983, probably on Marcos’s orders. So petty.

Sweet Memory

June 14, 2011

My dear oppressed peasantry, to think that one short year ago, the Canadians were up in arms against the tyranny of their so-called democracy, an insurrection that was cruelly put down by their “democratically elected” leaders. My revolutionary heart went out to them, as I watched the agents of the democratic despots cart prisoners to a makeshift jail from the comfort of my bullet-proof bubble car. Having descended from the heavens to lead the people of the Independent Republic of Josi, I of course cannot empathize with their plight, but having spent these many years watching the political upheavals of so many lesser nations, I can concoct an emotion vaguely resembling sympathy.

But do not lose heart, revolutionary Canadians! Your Freedom Fighter will not let the fires of reform go unstoked, and allow to pass by an opportunity to form a new government indebted to My Great Display. With this in mind, I have instructed My doom force to work with the rebel Canadians, training them in the urban jungle of Toronto and the grassy countryside of southern Ontario. Come, rebel warriors! Come, wherever you are in that vast nation! Come and enjoy the tutelage of one of the greatest dictatorial minds this world has ever seen! We have weapons caches to make even the fiercest of warriors weep with delight, and the soldiers of the doom force are trained in the best kitchens in Europe, ensuring mess dinners of the highest quality: mousses that caress your tongue like a long-forgotten lover’s touch, wines that cost more than ten dollars, strawberry shortcake for dessert each and every day! Read the rest of this entry »