Sweet Memory

June 14, 2011

My dear oppressed peasantry, to think that one short year ago, the Canadians were up in arms against the tyranny of their so-called democracy, an insurrection that was cruelly put down by their “democratically elected” leaders. My revolutionary heart went out to them, as I watched the agents of the democratic despots cart prisoners to a makeshift jail from the comfort of my bullet-proof bubble car. Having descended from the heavens to lead the people of the Independent Republic of Josi, I of course cannot empathize with their plight, but having spent these many years watching the political upheavals of so many lesser nations, I can concoct an emotion vaguely resembling sympathy.

But do not lose heart, revolutionary Canadians! Your Freedom Fighter will not let the fires of reform go unstoked, and allow to pass by an opportunity to form a new government indebted to My Great Display. With this in mind, I have instructed My doom force to work with the rebel Canadians, training them in the urban jungle of Toronto and the grassy countryside of southern Ontario. Come, rebel warriors! Come, wherever you are in that vast nation! Come and enjoy the tutelage of one of the greatest dictatorial minds this world has ever seen! We have weapons caches to make even the fiercest of warriors weep with delight, and the soldiers of the doom force are trained in the best kitchens in Europe, ensuring mess dinners of the highest quality: mousses that caress your tongue like a long-forgotten lover’s touch, wines that cost more than ten dollars, strawberry shortcake for dessert each and every day!

So come! Join your comrades and rise up against those who would oppress you with their “democracy”! Together, Canadians, we will bring about a new world order.

Also, you may have noticed that My Celestial Glow has been absent from your online lives. Citizens, this is due to simple overzealousness on the part of the aforementioned doom force. It should go without saying that I would not demean myself by touching a computer and tapping on the keys like a common monkey. Thus, rather than eliminate every member of the educated classes, I had the doom force lock several of them in the office of the Official Publication of the IRJ. Considering how graciously I had deigned to spare their lives, they were surprisingly insolent and refused to type out these missives as they were instructed to do. Given these circumstances, you can see that I had little choice but to have the doom force flog them the second they lifted their fingers from the keyboard. After the first bourgeois intellectual betrayer died due to his refusal to cooperate, even with the flogging, the others became much more amenable. They have spent the intervening years chained to their desks, recording for all eternity my grand proclamations and words of wisdom, with the occasional flogging to keep them on task.

But sadly, my doom force took the last flogging a little too far. Or perhaps it was her weakened state due to lack of nutrition. After all, I was only feeding those bourgeois intellectuals rice gruel. In any case, she simply flopped onto her keyboard and refused to lift her head. The doom force tried to force her compliance through further flogging, but in the end, even they had to admit defeat. The last intellectual in the Republic was dead. And since I wisely banned all forms of education, especially reading and writing, to prevent any dissenters from being able to communicate their complaints to other peasants or to the outside world, there was no one to take this last intellectual’s place at the keyboard, recording the word of My Ninja Stealth.

I had no recourse but to kidnap the members of the oppressor class from my neighbouring Canada. The Canadian revolutionaries enrolled in My training programs were only too glad to assist in striking a blow at their persecutors. And now the air in the office of the Official Publication is once again filled with the sounds of clacking keyboards and pained moans. Aah, sweet music to dictatorial ears!


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