Dramatic hand on forehead

January 31, 2011

Citizens, your Rebellion Smasher has taken to her bed, heartsick at the tragedies befalling her Egyptian comrade, Hosni Mubarak. The reports keep rolling in, from my own Doom Force and from the international media that you, peons, are not permitted to have any contact with for precisely this reason. Look what’s happening in Egypt! And what happened in Tunisia! Although I sympathize with my African comrades and have reached out with support in the form of arms and troops to put those citizens back in their place, I cannot help judging them for being so permissive to start with. If they had only done what I have done, and restrict all communication with the outside world, their governments might still be healthily oppressing their masses.

Instead, my comrades inexplicably allowed their peasants  extravagant liberties such as mobile phones and limited Internet access. And while dear Mubarak did attempt to rectify that error by turning the Internet off the other day, really, it was too little too late. So this I say to you, aspiring autocrats, if you are not prepared to commit to the persecution and subjugation of an entire people without rest or respite, then perhaps you are not cut out for the dictatorial game. I rip babies from their mothers’ breasts and trade them for drugs to make zombies of rebels, who I then arm and send out to hunt each other in a giant game for my own entertainment. If you cannot picture yourself taking dramatic action such as this, start looking for work now and save your citizens the trouble of revolting.

Also, your weakness disgusts me.

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Officiality!

December 22, 2010

Terrorem Causa Oboedien

Overseas comrades

December 12, 2010

Have you considered the greatness of Alexander Lukashenko, peasants? Your Fiercely Forward has many allies, but dear Alexander is currently in My thoughts the most of all My warriors in the great battle against democratic principles. Naturally, we all already love him for his bubbly personality and the great jokes he tells at parties, but were you aware, citizens, of his immensely dictatorial nature? Yes, he may claim the title of president of Belarus, but the fact is, peons, this man is a great dictator and I look forward to his future feats.

Did you know, for instance, that this wonderful man managed to wrangle things so that a 2004 referendum abolished the constitution’s two-term presidential limit? And that he thus enjoyed a third term as president? Classic dictatorial behaviour, peasants. This is a man on the way up. I look forward to eyeing him suspiciously over drinks one day soon.

While travelling undercover in the former Soviet Union, your Conquering Crisis spoke to more than one Belarusian who insisted that our dear Alexander was insane, but clearly, this cannot be the case. He is far too canny for that. What appears to be insanity to an ordinary peasant is a clever and well-constructed plan for Belarusian domination. Even before the fall of the Soviet Union, our hero was working hard to oppress his citizens. After undermining Gorbachev, the leader of the Soviet Union, by supporting a coup, he admitted that an authoritarian rule suited him, and his early years in power testified to this belief. He disbanded parliament and then selected the new parliament. Friends and allies fled the country in fear of his retribution.

Yes, citizens, I could wax poetic for days about the many draconian measures taken by Alexander. But there is no need for my poetry. What is important here is that you realize that he is a rising star in the world of dictators and we can only hope to see more of him. Perhaps you will meet his citizens in battle and marvel at their indoctrination. Perhaps, even more excitingly, we can look forward to golden statues of Lukashenko dotting squares throughout the country. Naturally, they will not turn to follow the sun like that miracle perpetrated by our dear departed comrade, Niyazov, but they will no doubt enhance the beauty of the natural world around them and strengthen the position of their namesake, Alexander.

Can I just say here, peasants, that our great ally Niyazov is still sorely missed? His cult of personality is a great source of inspiration and your Main Attraction has a small army hard at work at creating a sun statue of My own. Soon, peons. Soon.

Sniffles

December 2, 2010

Your Practical Imperative would never admit weakness in a public forum. Remember this, peasants. Better still to remember that I have no weaknesses and that since my legendary descent from the centre of the sun to earth, I have been perfect in all ways, including my health. And know, too, that I am no fool. I work to protect Myself and My domain from any and all threats. Which of course includes illness.

Peons, while you may fall ill all the time with colds and flus and other peasant diseases like dysentery, your Up High has no flaws in her immune system that would allow your maladies to infect Her. But I do like to test Myself, prepare Myself for anything that might block My path to total world domination. And so I have had myself infected with your common cold. Naturally, massive doses were required to cause even the slightest of symptoms.

My Science Dungeons are filled with the scientific geniuses needed to create such massive disease dosing. Those same scientists, chained to the walls of their damp, underground prison, came up with the cure for the common cold many years ago, but I am holding onto that for when negotiations with other world leaders get tough. Think of that when your noses are stuffy, peons, and know that My power knows no bounds.

And now that I am dosed and properly infected, I find the sensations deeply unpleasant. I remind myself that this is My training, part of My many preparations for My eventual global coup d’état. But this red nose, these weepy eyes, My once magnificent lungs now shadows of their former glory–this training is difficult, I cannot deny it. My only consolation is that one day the constant nose-blowing and tea-drinking will have prepared Me for something much greater.

Cease your admonitions!

November 22, 2010

Peasants! Your Greatest Glory will have none of your grumbling! It’s like you don’t even realize that I was the one who made the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky. Almost as if you do not enjoy your head being attached to your shoulders. Is that the case, citizen? Shall I send My impressively awesome secret pollice to change that situation for you?

The fact is, lowly grovellers who are not even fit to lick the bottoms of My fancy designer shoes, your Delightful Dish has been busy with matters of state. That’s right. Matters of state. You all seem to think that My only concern is your sad, sad little lives. This, obviously, is not the case. The amazing republic does not run itself. I must meet with a variety of subordinates and beat them senseless everyday to make sure that your rice is taxed in a way that brings Me maximum profits, so that I can keep enjoying My monthly vacations on the Cote d’Azur. Because I do enjoy those blue waters. And all that sun. And the food, citizens! Oh the food!

Do not think, however, that I have forgotten you. No, no. These are matters of state. These daily tasks that I am burdened with are what keep this society functioning as smoothly as it does. Without My worldly travels, foreign aid would cease. We would have no foolish foreign governments attempting to keep you poor souls alive, all the while not realizing that this “aid” only aids Me and My many underlings. Only underlings who have earned rewards through vigilant reporting on the suspicious activities of their friends and families, though.

So citizens, do not think that I do not love you and care so sincerely and deeply about your well-being when you do not see reports from Me on this page for months at a time. Know that your Crisp and Clean is always working on your behalf, toiling away to make the IRJ a better place with more guns and more income from illicit international trade.

Broken!

March 6, 2010

Loyal peons, you may have already heard the distressing news. The Canadians are trying to assassinate your Heart’s Desire. Yes, the Canadians. It is true that they play the innocent ingenue card well, but beneath their polite apologies and gentle doughnut-eating ways is a ferocious lust for power. They will stop at nothing to annex the Independent Republic of Josi and add yet another province to their ever-growing list of territories.

Being of quick mind and supple intelligence, I have long suspected that something evil lay beneath the soft veneer of kindness that the Canadians show the world at large and have thus always insisted on an entourage larger than My usual group of Doom Force soldiers whenever I have visited that dishonourable nation. However, even this protective human shield was not enough to block the nefarious Canadians.

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Maintaining Order

January 30, 2010

Citizens! Rumours have reached My Head Pitchers of Glory, rumours to the effect that a revolution is being planned at this very moment. Insurrection! Riot! Mayhem and coup d’état! I issue this official communication to remind those would-be revolutionaries of a few important facts.

Your Iron Glove developed Her own not-insignificant cult of personality partially through Her impressive indoctrination of the military forces of the Independent Republic of Josi. You see, aspiring activists, together with former Commander-in-Chief and fallen comrade Julius Meindl, I used what the psychologists among you might call “classical conditioning” (if there were any psychologists left among you after the great intellectual purges of the last decade). Normally, we think of Pavlov and his dogs if we even bother to consider classical conditioning at all, but Pavlov was a fool who did not understand the import of his own work. Clearly, this was a tool meant for building better, more loyal soldiers. Think less Pavlov, more Clockwork Orange.

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Sharp Snap of the Whip

January 22, 2010

Citizens! Where have you been hiding?

Don’t think your Fire and Brimstone has not noted your obvious absence. You know these winter months drag Me down and depression inevitably leads Me to invade another country just for the distraction. Do you want to endure another war this year, peons? Have you so soon forgotten the tragicomedy (my good friend Gurbanguly and I enjoyed the comedy of your tragic lives being wasted on the fields below us) of that little venture into Turkmenistan in the fall? If you do not desire to see such a pointless waste of the lives of your compatriots yet again, then perhaps you might make the time–although I know I am asking a lot from your pointless peasant lives spent scrabbling at the dirt for food–to come and dance for your Dictator and President-for-Life?

The grey skies of this post-Yule season are even more oppressive than most and your Rigged Game finds that only the sunny faces of Her peasants can shine any light into the gloom. Sunny faces while dancing, of course. No need to bring any shuffling monkeys into My Glorious Presence. But no need to worry about the mental health of your Rocking Out, citizens! Should any less than satisfactory citizens make their way before Me, their sad dance will be cut short by snipers lining the upper levels of the main hall. Because in the end, the force of the bullet that causes your malnourished bodies to jolt in unusual ways does bring a smile to My heavy heart.

Always Looking Forward

December 22, 2009

Yes, another year has passed, citizens. And yes, it could be said that your Bright and Shiny has added another increment to Her age, but those of you saying that are looking for knocks on your door in the middle of the night. Safer to say that your Pie in the Sky is timeless, ageless, infinite and omnipresent. No need to get bogged down in the laws of physics when it comes to Me. This day is only marked in the Republic as a celebration of My mightiness, My ancient wisdom, My bright smile. This is a time of celebration, peons, the greatest day of the year, a day which marks the descent of your Tip Top from the heavens above to the earth to rule you and bring order to these scattered lands. So bring on the parties and presents. Do not forget to worship Me on this day of days!

Be a Pirate!

September 21, 2009

Citizens!

This day be a day fer respectin’ them amazin’ forerunners ‘o our society, th’ band ‘o pirates. Although yer Sailin’ High has no respect fer anyone but Her Own Impressive Action, She feels that She must gift due whar it be due. ‘N that be to th’ band ‘o pirates. So let them half ’tis day, Me sweet peons. ‘N let us all celebrate wit’ a big barnacle-covered bottle ‘o spiced rum, because that be what band ‘o pirates do. ‘N let us bow our heads in our drunken stupor, rememberin’ our mighty forefathers. Aah, sweet memory.