Dramatic hand on forehead

January 31, 2011

Citizens, your Rebellion Smasher has taken to her bed, heartsick at the tragedies befalling her Egyptian comrade, Hosni Mubarak. The reports keep rolling in, from my own Doom Force and from the international media that you, peons, are not permitted to have any contact with for precisely this reason. Look what’s happening in Egypt! And what happened in Tunisia! Although I sympathize with my African comrades and have reached out with support in the form of arms and troops to put those citizens back in their place, I cannot help judging them for being so permissive to start with. If they had only done what I have done, and restrict all communication with the outside world, their governments might still be healthily oppressing their masses.

Instead, my comrades inexplicably allowed their peasants¬† extravagant liberties such as mobile phones and limited Internet access. And while dear Mubarak did attempt to rectify that error by turning the Internet off the other day, really, it was too little too late. So this I say to you, aspiring autocrats, if you are not prepared to commit to the persecution and subjugation of an entire people without rest or respite, then perhaps you are not cut out for the dictatorial game. I rip babies from their mothers’ breasts and trade them for drugs to make zombies of rebels, who I then arm and send out to hunt each other in a giant game for my own entertainment. If you cannot picture yourself taking dramatic action such as this, start looking for work now and save your citizens the trouble of revolting.

Also, your weakness disgusts me.


Suck it!

January 22, 2011

Ha ha! All you naysayers grumbling about the triumphant return of Baby Doc! The statute of limitations should be up for all those alleged crimes against humanity of his! The law even applies to dictators, if it suits those dictators’ purposes! Ten years! That’s all they have to prosecute those “crimes” and did they? No! Twenty-five years and no charges! So those irritating “authorities” can investigate him all they want, they won’t be prosecuting any human rights abuses. As if what that man did could be considered abuses of human rights! He only did what was natural. Any dictator would have done the same.

And really, did anyone have any intention of having this great man be put in front of a judge? He left France on a Haitian diplomatic passport. If those silly Haitian peasants hated him so much, wouldn’t they have revoked that passport? Hmm?

After twenty-five years, My old friend clearly had the simple desire to return to his homeland. And rule it again with an iron fist! Go, Baby Doc! Your friends and fans know the truth, no matter what lies you may have to tell the media and the public in order to achieve your terrible goals.

The public front is that he returned to Haiti on a noble mission to help his homeland after the terrible shaking of the earth last year. And yes, detractors might say that that shaking was a year ago and where was Baby Doc then, but those detractors should remember that if Baby Doc had come back then, he would have ripped those clucking tongues right out of their heads.


Baby Doc is back!

January 17, 2011

I know you peons are accustomed to seeing his image in the Parade of Heroes that winds its way through the dusty roads of the cities of the Republic during the Festival of Visionaries held each year to celebrate the miracle of My own descent from the cloud city above to bring order to the unruly surface world, but this time, it is for real, citizens. Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier has returned to his homeland from his exile in France!

And we in the IRJ could not be more thrilled. Baby Doc has such a gift for dictating, we know he will bring us exciting surprises in the months to come. He is being coy with his reasons for returning to the land he once oppressed so splendidly, but your Intrepid Interviewer will get all the answers when I talk to him tonight, as I do every night before I go to bed. (But never to sleep, citizens. I merely lie in my king-size bed of penguin feathers, alert, waiting, watching. A wary dictator is a breathing dictator.) There is even talk of him returning to power, thanks to a group of loyalists! Ah, yes, Stockholm syndrome is a key weapon in an autocrat’s arsenal.

Is he taking advantage of the country’s weakness after the earthquake last year? Has he–heaven forbid–turned over a new leaf and come back to rule in a genuinely democratic fashion? Or great man that he is, has he grown tired of paying rent in France and has now–and you know dictatorial fingers are tightly crossed for this one–come back to wreak vengeance on his former peons? With Haiti struggling after the earth tried to shrug it off and the troubles following the presidential elections in November, the time seems ripe for dreamboat Baby Doc to pick up the reins and steer the country back on course. With the whip I’m sure he always carries.


January 16, 2011

Perhaps you have heard about the troubles our Tunisian friend, Ben Ali, is facing? Then you have clearly been disobeying My dictatorial imperative in contacting the world outside the IRJ and that will be the end of you, peon. But I will let you cower in terror for a few days as a lesson to those citizens who may have come into contact with your disturbing thought crimes. I cannot believe that any of My beloved peasants would be so malcontent as to follow the example of those Tunisian rebels, but a good dictator knows to squash even the hint of rebellion and so, I punish those of you passing rebellious information to others in the Republic. You no longer merit the title “citizen”. You are nothing but criminals and before you die, you will see the insides of the notorious camps on the outskirts of My glorious nation.

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Yes, peons, just when it looks grimmest for those of us with fascist inclinations, a cuddly mascot appears to improve our brand images! Imagine the atrocities we shall commit under the flag of captioned authoritarian cats!


And read about how style matters for the would-be dictator (something I’ve also pointed out in a scolding tone back when these official missives were printed on paper) at Uproxx. Take these tips to heart, fellow autocrats!

Badmouthing the regime

January 7, 2011

Oh dear peasants, I often think gladly about the amorphous nature of the borders of the IRJ. After all, if you are to escape My cruel iron fist, you must first know the way out. And I’m sure that you who have attempted this escape and still live so that I might make examples of you, you are well aware of the vague nature of the borders of this mighty republic and the god-like omnipotence of My secret squad of doom who steal you from your homes in the middle of the night.

Imagine if you were able to find a border and slip away in the dark to a neighbouring country hostile to the IRJ. (Yes, Canada, My steely gaze is firmly fixed on you.) The shame you would bring on yourself and the UN inspectors you would entice into My seat of power! Just the thought of dealing with those pusillanimous bureaucrats is nearly enough to put me off of these delightful and expensive truffles. And to think that My dear friend and loyal ally Kim Jong-il has gone through exactly this. And that the contemptible peon who slipped out of the great Democratic People’s Republic of Korea would spill state secrets in a book! That was written in French with Pierre Rigoulot and translated into English by Yair Reiner! Naturally, I sent a fruit basket to help sweet Jong-il through the terrible betrayal by a seemingly loyal citizen.

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