Insult, meet injury

June 20, 2011

Honestly, it is just shocking. When your Scientific Discovery first heard the news, I had to sit down and shake My fist at the sky in anger and despair. First, those ungrateful peasants chase multi-talented and gloriously just Ferdinand Marcos out of the Philippines, depriving the man of his rightful dictatorial place, and now, citizens! Now! Their usurper of a president, Benigno Aquino, has declared that he will not allow the late great Marcos to return to Manila for burial as a national hero. The ignominy! The shame! How can they do this to the man who kept his country under martial law for nine years to keep down the opposition Communist Party and other dissenters? The man who murdered one of his first political rivals and then represented himself in court, getting acquitted of all charges despite strong evidence pointing towards his guilt? That is pure dictatorial style and he deserves to be recognized for his many years of service to his nation.

But it seems that the sourpusses ruling the Philippines now just have to hold a grudge and deny Marcos his final honourable place of rest. Isn’t it bad enough that his wife Imelda has been holding on to his preserved body since he died in 1989? And that she’s been reduced to kissing the glass that entombs him instead of the tombstone that should be a magnificent marker of his storied life? Isn’t it about time to let the whole oppressed peoples thing drop? My own sneaking suspicion is that Aquino is taking what might be his only chance to revenge his father, who was assassinated in 1983, probably on Marcos’s orders. So petty.


Suck it!

January 22, 2011

Ha ha! All you naysayers grumbling about the triumphant return of Baby Doc! The statute of limitations should be up for all those alleged crimes against humanity of his! The law even applies to dictators, if it suits those dictators’ purposes! Ten years! That’s all they have to prosecute those “crimes” and did they? No! Twenty-five years and no charges! So those irritating “authorities” can investigate him all they want, they won’t be prosecuting any human rights abuses. As if what that man did could be considered abuses of human rights! He only did what was natural. Any dictator would have done the same.

And really, did anyone have any intention of having this great man be put in front of a judge? He left France on a Haitian diplomatic passport. If those silly Haitian peasants hated him so much, wouldn’t they have revoked that passport? Hmm?

After twenty-five years, My old friend clearly had the simple desire to return to his homeland. And rule it again with an iron fist! Go, Baby Doc! Your friends and fans know the truth, no matter what lies you may have to tell the media and the public in order to achieve your terrible goals.

The public front is that he returned to Haiti on a noble mission to help his homeland after the terrible shaking of the earth last year. And yes, detractors might say that that shaking was a year ago and where was Baby Doc then, but those detractors should remember that if Baby Doc had come back then, he would have ripped those clucking tongues right out of their heads.


Baby Doc is back!

January 17, 2011

I know you peons are accustomed to seeing his image in the Parade of Heroes that winds its way through the dusty roads of the cities of the Republic during the Festival of Visionaries held each year to celebrate the miracle of My own descent from the cloud city above to bring order to the unruly surface world, but this time, it is for real, citizens. Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier has returned to his homeland from his exile in France!

And we in the IRJ could not be more thrilled. Baby Doc has such a gift for dictating, we know he will bring us exciting surprises in the months to come. He is being coy with his reasons for returning to the land he once oppressed so splendidly, but your Intrepid Interviewer will get all the answers when I talk to him tonight, as I do every night before I go to bed. (But never to sleep, citizens. I merely lie in my king-size bed of penguin feathers, alert, waiting, watching. A wary dictator is a breathing dictator.) There is even talk of him returning to power, thanks to a group of loyalists! Ah, yes, Stockholm syndrome is a key weapon in an autocrat’s arsenal.

Is he taking advantage of the country’s weakness after the earthquake last year? Has he–heaven forbid–turned over a new leaf and come back to rule in a genuinely democratic fashion? Or great man that he is, has he grown tired of paying rent in France and has now–and you know dictatorial fingers are tightly crossed for this one–come back to wreak vengeance on his former peons? With Haiti struggling after the earth tried to shrug it off and the troubles following the presidential elections in November, the time seems ripe for dreamboat Baby Doc to pick up the reins and steer the country back on course. With the whip I’m sure he always carries.


January 16, 2011

Perhaps you have heard about the troubles our Tunisian friend, Ben Ali, is facing? Then you have clearly been disobeying My dictatorial imperative in contacting the world outside the IRJ and that will be the end of you, peon. But I will let you cower in terror for a few days as a lesson to those citizens who may have come into contact with your disturbing thought crimes. I cannot believe that any of My beloved peasants would be so malcontent as to follow the example of those Tunisian rebels, but a good dictator knows to squash even the hint of rebellion and so, I punish those of you passing rebellious information to others in the Republic. You no longer merit the title “citizen”. You are nothing but criminals and before you die, you will see the insides of the notorious camps on the outskirts of My glorious nation.

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Over the Top

April 30, 2010

While his dictatorial credentials may be up for debate, we dictators can all learn a lesson from disgraced Kyrgyzstan president Kurmanbek Bakiyev. And that lesson, fellow autocrats, is how to live large.

Bakiyev was the great hope of this former Soviet nation in Central Asia. Naturally, he could not live up to his own hype since he chose to follow democratic methods and actually allow opposition parties to exist, to the extent that he was actually harassed by his opponents, even if those opponents were claiming that he was too authoritarian and corrupt, which is not very harassing. A dictator would immediately implement a long and crippling reign of terror of some kind when the first tentative voice of protest arose, even if that protest was to note said dictator’s increasingly facist nature. So your Deep and Delicious does not mean to imply in any way that this man should be considered worthy of any kind of dictatorial alliance or even a dinner party. You can’t trust people who seek to settle disputes equitably.

However! After he fled his angry masses to Belarus, the peasants stormed his house and discovered a zoo! Of exotic and endangered animals! This is pure dictator. Of course, every iron-fisted ruler keeps at least a few unconventional pets. I Myself have a couple of sand cats. These unusual creatures help communicate just how far above the seething masses you truly are. But this would-be dictator Bakiyev kept a private zoo. A zoo which included snow leopards, peacocks and a golden eagle. This is exactly the over-the-top style that every true dictator should be cultivating.

Although this president-in-exile has nothing to teach us about oppressing the masses, he seems to have much knowledge to impart on cultivating the perfect cult of personality. Take a moment to learn, comrades. I  already have my secret squad of doom working hard to acquire a Chinese river dolphin, one of the rarest creatures of all!

Fight-o, Baby Doc!

February 4, 2010

Baby Doc, the suavest dictator ever?


As if toppled ally Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier didn’t have enough troubles, the government of Switzerland is trying to kick him in the nuts while he is writhing in agony on the ground. Those neutral bastards. Leave Baby Doc alone. He’s had a hard time.

Perhaps those of you still foolish enough to engage in free thought are wondering exactly how a man who absconded to France with millions of his country’s gourdes has been hard done by. I shake My head indulgently at your ignorance as I dispatch members of My Doom Force to make sure you are “cured” of this free thinking problem you have.

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Golden Statues

March 7, 2009

Golden Turkmenbashy

Dear citizens, your Dictator has a confession to make: There are some people She holds in almost as high an esteem as Herself. Naturally, no one is on the same level as Her Mighty Oneness, but there are those who have pushed through the many obstacles placed in front of them by society to reach unparalleled heights. One of these impressive and awe-inspiring mortals is the fallen president of Turkmenistan.

Saparmurat Niyazov was the self-proclaimed Turkmenbashy; that is, the Leader of all Ethnic Turkmens. Our hero was a man of many seemingly nonsensible decrees. After he was forced to give up smoking following heart surgery, he imperiously decreed that all in the country should follow his example. He banned young men in hats and beards. He forbade listening to car radios. Niyazov was a man who knew what he wanted and was not afraid to force all those around him to obey. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh Lansana!

January 5, 2009

Beloved Dictator, Inspirer of Awe and Full Hearts

Beloved Dictator, Inspirer of Awe and Full Hearts

Citizens, this is one duty your Beloved Dictator does not cherish. Thanks to my strict media blackout, should I choose to, I could keep this news from you indefinitely. But after consulting with my ministers and then banishing them from the Republic due to their insolence, I have, in my Glorious Mental Wonder, determined that  you, my dear citizens, should not be denied this opportunity to grieve for a good friend of the IRJ. Read the rest of this entry »