Another year

December 21, 2010

Oh citizens, as we prepare for the annual festivities to celebrate your Incredible Action’s descent from the heavens, I hope none of you have forgotten what happened to those peons who “forgot” to send presents last year. Although I am a tolerant ruler, I cannot abide by insurrection via non-present-giving. And be honest, there is no one so deserving of a present as your Fox Trot.

There were some citizens who, at last year’s dictatorial festivities, declined to participate in the gift presentation, and as has been widely broadcast by state channels, those citizens were executed shortly after the gifts were not received. From this example, I think it is clear, citizens, that your Hot Stuff expects presents and has no compunction about removing those citizens that do not offer up the entirety of their net worth on the anniversary of Her glorious birth.

No, She does not need or want any of it, but as a Dictator, She cannot allow any of you to have it. So send Me those cookies in tinsel-covered packages, citizens. Send Me your first-born so that I might sell them to hostile nations. Do all this and more for your beloved Republic, citizens, and your Tap Master just might let you keep your head. Maybe.

Sniffles

December 2, 2010

Your Practical Imperative would never admit weakness in a public forum. Remember this, peasants. Better still to remember that I have no weaknesses and that since my legendary descent from the centre of the sun to earth, I have been perfect in all ways, including my health. And know, too, that I am no fool. I work to protect Myself and My domain from any and all threats. Which of course includes illness.

Peons, while you may fall ill all the time with colds and flus and other peasant diseases like dysentery, your Up High has no flaws in her immune system that would allow your maladies to infect Her. But I do like to test Myself, prepare Myself for anything that might block My path to total world domination. And so I have had myself infected with your common cold. Naturally, massive doses were required to cause even the slightest of symptoms.

My Science Dungeons are filled with the scientific geniuses needed to create such massive disease dosing. Those same scientists, chained to the walls of their damp, underground prison, came up with the cure for the common cold many years ago, but I am holding onto that for when negotiations with other world leaders get tough. Think of that when your noses are stuffy, peons, and know that My power knows no bounds.

And now that I am dosed and properly infected, I find the sensations deeply unpleasant. I remind myself that this is My training, part of My many preparations for My eventual global coup d’├ętat. But this red nose, these weepy eyes, My once magnificent lungs now shadows of their former glory–this training is difficult, I cannot deny it. My only consolation is that one day the constant nose-blowing and tea-drinking will have prepared Me for something much greater.

Mission!

July 17, 2010

Oh, loyal citizens, I know you are half-dead with the heat and yet you continue to perform the requisite dances at the appointed hours. And this, citizens, this is why I am not indifferent to you. Recently, however, some of you have given voice to your dissatisfaction with the national law against air conditioners of any kind (excluding My own palatial mansion and offices, for clearly someone so great and glorious as Myself cannot be expected to live as a commoner in air that is warm and wet like My own breath). Be warned that you tread in dangerous waters here. A little grumbling against absurdly warm temperatures is something Your Sweetly Reclining understands only too well. But when that grumbling shifts from the vague enemy of climate to the more specific target of Me, My secret squad of doom starts looking for ways to silence that grumbling.

So! Do not lament your lack of machine-cooled air in these hot times, but rather rejoice in your Far-Reaching’s European diplomatic mission! Celebrate the opening of European relations with watermelon and beer, although maybe not at the same time! Citizens, we have long suffered under the mistakenly scornful gaze of the Europeans and their condescending attitude to all things not European. But no more! Yes, the rumours that have reached your filthy ears are true. The Austrians have begged us to reconsider our boycott of their delicious chocolates and the English have sent a request through unofficial channels that IRJ snipers stop shooting passengers on their underground. Until now, with no formal diplomatic relations, it had been impossible to respond to these requests. However, the Austrians have received our ambassador only too willingly, with the English looking to follow suit.

Thus, it is with great pleasure that I announce my European tour. Yes, dear peons, your Fighting Spirit is headed across the ocean to instruct the Europeans in the subtle ways of the IRJ. Naturally, we wave the flag of peace now even as we solidify our plans to take over these countries and enslave their citizenry for you, dear peasants. Your dictator will not fail you. Keep your eyes firmly focused on our goal of complete world domination. We grow closer to it with each passing day.

Choosing a Nation: Money

March 29, 2010

A question your Ultimate Answer often fields from aspiring autocrats is: how to get started on the path to successful overlord? To be sure, citizens, it is a rocky road, fraught with peril, decent falafel too rarely encountered. But in My infinite wisdom, I have observed some key factors that may prove useful to you in your mad quest for power. However, this information is obviously forbidden to citizens of the Independent Republic of Josi, so upon pain of death, I insist that you peons turn your gaze from this series of dictatorial tips. Any bid for control you make in this Republic is doomed to failure. My people are everywhere.

(Your sister has been working for Me since she was five. I won your cousin over when he was still in the womb. Do not trifle with Me, peasant. Click on to some other Dictator-sanctioned website: either the weather or the fuzzy cat sweater site.)

Read the rest of this entry »