Sweet Memory

June 14, 2011

My dear oppressed peasantry, to think that one short year ago, the Canadians were up in arms against the tyranny of their so-called democracy, an insurrection that was cruelly put down by their “democratically elected” leaders. My revolutionary heart went out to them, as I watched the agents of the democratic despots cart prisoners to a makeshift jail from the comfort of my bullet-proof bubble car. Having descended from the heavens to lead the people of the Independent Republic of Josi, I of course cannot empathize with their plight, but having spent these many years watching the political upheavals of so many lesser nations, I can concoct an emotion vaguely resembling sympathy.

But do not lose heart, revolutionary Canadians! Your Freedom Fighter will not let the fires of reform go unstoked, and allow to pass by an opportunity to form a new government indebted to My Great Display. With this in mind, I have instructed My doom force to work with the rebel Canadians, training them in the urban jungle of Toronto and the grassy countryside of southern Ontario. Come, rebel warriors! Come, wherever you are in that vast nation! Come and enjoy the tutelage of one of the greatest dictatorial minds this world has ever seen! We have weapons caches to make even the fiercest of warriors weep with delight, and the soldiers of the doom force are trained in the best kitchens in Europe, ensuring mess dinners of the highest quality: mousses that caress your tongue like a long-forgotten lover’s touch, wines that cost more than ten dollars, strawberry shortcake for dessert each and every day! Read the rest of this entry »


Dramatic hand on forehead

January 31, 2011

Citizens, your Rebellion Smasher has taken to her bed, heartsick at the tragedies befalling her Egyptian comrade, Hosni Mubarak. The reports keep rolling in, from my own Doom Force and from the international media that you, peons, are not permitted to have any contact with for precisely this reason. Look what’s happening in Egypt! And what happened in Tunisia! Although I sympathize with my African comrades and have reached out with support in the form of arms and troops to put those citizens back in their place, I cannot help judging them for being so permissive to start with. If they had only done what I have done, and restrict all communication with the outside world, their governments might still be healthily oppressing their masses.

Instead, my comrades inexplicably allowed their peasants¬† extravagant liberties such as mobile phones and limited Internet access. And while dear Mubarak did attempt to rectify that error by turning the Internet off the other day, really, it was too little too late. So this I say to you, aspiring autocrats, if you are not prepared to commit to the persecution and subjugation of an entire people without rest or respite, then perhaps you are not cut out for the dictatorial game. I rip babies from their mothers’ breasts and trade them for drugs to make zombies of rebels, who I then arm and send out to hunt each other in a giant game for my own entertainment. If you cannot picture yourself taking dramatic action such as this, start looking for work now and save your citizens the trouble of revolting.

Also, your weakness disgusts me.

Suck it!

January 22, 2011

Ha ha! All you naysayers grumbling about the triumphant return of Baby Doc! The statute of limitations should be up for all those alleged crimes against humanity of his! The law even applies to dictators, if it suits those dictators’ purposes! Ten years! That’s all they have to prosecute those “crimes” and did they? No! Twenty-five years and no charges! So those irritating “authorities” can investigate him all they want, they won’t be prosecuting any human rights abuses. As if what that man did could be considered abuses of human rights! He only did what was natural. Any dictator would have done the same.

And really, did anyone have any intention of having this great man be put in front of a judge? He left France on a Haitian diplomatic passport. If those silly Haitian peasants hated him so much, wouldn’t they have revoked that passport? Hmm?

After twenty-five years, My old friend clearly had the simple desire to return to his homeland. And rule it again with an iron fist! Go, Baby Doc! Your friends and fans know the truth, no matter what lies you may have to tell the media and the public in order to achieve your terrible goals.

The public front is that he returned to Haiti on a noble mission to help his homeland after the terrible shaking of the earth last year. And yes, detractors might say that that shaking was a year ago and where was Baby Doc then, but those detractors should remember that if Baby Doc had come back then, he would have ripped those clucking tongues right out of their heads.


Baby Doc is back!

January 17, 2011

I know you peons are accustomed to seeing his image in the Parade of Heroes that winds its way through the dusty roads of the cities of the Republic during the Festival of Visionaries held each year to celebrate the miracle of My own descent from the cloud city above to bring order to the unruly surface world, but this time, it is for real, citizens. Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier has returned to his homeland from his exile in France!

And we in the IRJ could not be more thrilled. Baby Doc has such a gift for dictating, we know he will bring us exciting surprises in the months to come. He is being coy with his reasons for returning to the land he once oppressed so splendidly, but your Intrepid Interviewer will get all the answers when I talk to him tonight, as I do every night before I go to bed. (But never to sleep, citizens. I merely lie in my king-size bed of penguin feathers, alert, waiting, watching. A wary dictator is a breathing dictator.) There is even talk of him returning to power, thanks to a group of loyalists! Ah, yes, Stockholm syndrome is a key weapon in an autocrat’s arsenal.

Is he taking advantage of the country’s weakness after the earthquake last year? Has he–heaven forbid–turned over a new leaf and come back to rule in a genuinely democratic fashion? Or great man that he is, has he grown tired of paying rent in France and has now–and you know dictatorial fingers are tightly crossed for this one–come back to wreak vengeance on his former peons? With Haiti struggling after the earth tried to shrug it off and the troubles following the presidential elections in November, the time seems ripe for dreamboat Baby Doc to pick up the reins and steer the country back on course. With the whip I’m sure he always carries.


January 16, 2011

Perhaps you have heard about the troubles our Tunisian friend, Ben Ali, is facing? Then you have clearly been disobeying My dictatorial imperative in contacting the world outside the IRJ and that will be the end of you, peon. But I will let you cower in terror for a few days as a lesson to those citizens who may have come into contact with your disturbing thought crimes. I cannot believe that any of My beloved peasants would be so malcontent as to follow the example of those Tunisian rebels, but a good dictator knows to squash even the hint of rebellion and so, I punish those of you passing rebellious information to others in the Republic. You no longer merit the title “citizen”. You are nothing but criminals and before you die, you will see the insides of the notorious camps on the outskirts of My glorious nation.

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December 22, 2010

Terrorem Causa Oboedien


December 2, 2010

Your Practical Imperative would never admit weakness in a public forum. Remember this, peasants. Better still to remember that I have no weaknesses and that since my legendary descent from the centre of the sun to earth, I have been perfect in all ways, including my health. And know, too, that I am no fool. I work to protect Myself and My domain from any and all threats. Which of course includes illness.

Peons, while you may fall ill all the time with colds and flus and other peasant diseases like dysentery, your Up High has no flaws in her immune system that would allow your maladies to infect Her. But I do like to test Myself, prepare Myself for anything that might block My path to total world domination. And so I have had myself infected with your common cold. Naturally, massive doses were required to cause even the slightest of symptoms.

My Science Dungeons are filled with the scientific geniuses needed to create such massive disease dosing. Those same scientists, chained to the walls of their damp, underground prison, came up with the cure for the common cold many years ago, but I am holding onto that for when negotiations with other world leaders get tough. Think of that when your noses are stuffy, peons, and know that My power knows no bounds.

And now that I am dosed and properly infected, I find the sensations deeply unpleasant. I remind myself that this is My training, part of My many preparations for My eventual global coup d’√©tat. But this red nose, these weepy eyes, My once magnificent lungs now shadows of their former glory–this training is difficult, I cannot deny it. My only consolation is that one day the constant nose-blowing and tea-drinking will have prepared Me for something much greater.


July 17, 2010

Oh, loyal citizens, I know you are half-dead with the heat and yet you continue to perform the requisite dances at the appointed hours. And this, citizens, this is why I am not indifferent to you. Recently, however, some of you have given voice to your dissatisfaction with the national law against air conditioners of any kind (excluding My own palatial mansion and offices, for clearly someone so great and glorious as Myself cannot be expected to live as a commoner in air that is warm and wet like My own breath). Be warned that you tread in dangerous waters here. A little grumbling against absurdly warm temperatures is something Your Sweetly Reclining understands only too well. But when that grumbling shifts from the vague enemy of climate to the more specific target of Me, My secret squad of doom starts looking for ways to silence that grumbling.

So! Do not lament your lack of machine-cooled air in these hot times, but rather rejoice in your Far-Reaching’s European diplomatic mission! Celebrate the opening of European relations with watermelon and beer, although maybe not at the same time! Citizens, we have long suffered under the mistakenly scornful gaze of the Europeans and their condescending attitude to all things not European. But no more! Yes, the rumours that have reached your filthy ears are true. The Austrians have begged us to reconsider our boycott of their delicious chocolates and the English have sent a request through unofficial channels that IRJ snipers stop shooting passengers on their underground. Until now, with no formal diplomatic relations, it had been impossible to respond to these requests. However, the Austrians have received our ambassador only too willingly, with the English looking to follow suit.

Thus, it is with great pleasure that I announce my European tour. Yes, dear peons, your Fighting Spirit is headed across the ocean to instruct the Europeans in the subtle ways of the IRJ. Naturally, we wave the flag of peace now even as we solidify our plans to take over these countries and enslave their citizenry for you, dear peasants. Your dictator will not fail you. Keep your eyes firmly focused on our goal of complete world domination. We grow closer to it with each passing day.


June 27, 2010

The Canadians are finally rising up against their capitalist oppressors and they are doing it adjacent to the IRJ’s current holdings. While your Resolute and Resolved thoroughly approves of the hard line the oppressing side has drawn in the sand, She does not believe the oppressors can hold for long again such determined peasants. (She is also tired of the drone of helicopters skirting Her airspace.) The revolution has arrived!

I look forward to stepping in to fill the power vacuum and subjecting the Canadians to an iron fist so firm that the revolutionaries will dream fondly of their former overlords. Naturally, once I incorporate the icy tundras of Canada into the IRJ, all these insurgents will be shipped off to one of my many secret detention centres where they will be water-boarded and set to the rack until all thoughts of flaming police vehicles leave their addled minds. Unite, citizens! Today is a day of victory!

Fight-o, Baby Doc!

February 4, 2010

Baby Doc, the suavest dictator ever?


As if toppled ally Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier didn’t have enough troubles, the government of Switzerland is trying to kick him in the nuts while he is writhing in agony on the ground. Those neutral bastards. Leave Baby Doc alone. He’s had a hard time.

Perhaps those of you still foolish enough to engage in free thought are wondering exactly how a man who absconded to France with millions of his country’s gourdes has been hard done by. I shake My head indulgently at your ignorance as I dispatch members of My Doom Force to make sure you are “cured” of this free thinking problem you have.

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