Insult, meet injury

June 20, 2011

Honestly, it is just shocking. When your Scientific Discovery first heard the news, I had to sit down and shake My fist at the sky in anger and despair. First, those ungrateful peasants chase multi-talented and gloriously just Ferdinand Marcos out of the Philippines, depriving the man of his rightful dictatorial place, and now, citizens! Now! Their usurper of a president, Benigno Aquino, has declared that he will not allow the late great Marcos to return to Manila for burial as a national hero. The ignominy! The shame! How can they do this to the man who kept his country under martial law for nine years to keep down the opposition Communist Party and other dissenters? The man who murdered one of his first political rivals and then represented himself in court, getting acquitted of all charges despite strong evidence pointing towards his guilt? That is pure dictatorial style and he deserves to be recognized for his many years of service to his nation.

But it seems that the sourpusses ruling the Philippines now just have to hold a grudge and deny Marcos his final honourable place of rest. Isn’t it bad enough that his wife Imelda has been holding on to his preserved body since he died in 1989? And that she’s been reduced to kissing the glass that entombs him instead of the tombstone that should be a magnificent marker of his storied life? Isn’t it about time to let the whole oppressed peoples thing drop? My own sneaking suspicion is that Aquino is taking what might be his only chance to revenge his father, who was assassinated in 1983, probably on Marcos’s orders. So petty.


Suck it!

January 22, 2011

Ha ha! All you naysayers grumbling about the triumphant return of Baby Doc! The statute of limitations should be up for all those alleged crimes against humanity of his! The law even applies to dictators, if it suits those dictators’ purposes! Ten years! That’s all they have to prosecute those “crimes” and did they? No! Twenty-five years and no charges! So those irritating “authorities” can investigate him all they want, they won’t be prosecuting any human rights abuses. As if what that man did could be considered abuses of human rights! He only did what was natural. Any dictator would have done the same.

And really, did anyone have any intention of having this great man be put in front of a judge? He left France on a Haitian diplomatic passport. If those silly Haitian peasants hated him so much, wouldn’t they have revoked that passport? Hmm?

After twenty-five years, My old friend clearly had the simple desire to return to his homeland. And rule it again with an iron fist! Go, Baby Doc! Your friends and fans know the truth, no matter what lies you may have to tell the media and the public in order to achieve your terrible goals.

The public front is that he returned to Haiti on a noble mission to help his homeland after the terrible shaking of the earth last year. And yes, detractors might say that that shaking was a year ago and where was Baby Doc then, but those detractors should remember that if Baby Doc had come back then, he would have ripped those clucking tongues right out of their heads.


Baby Doc is back!

January 17, 2011

I know you peons are accustomed to seeing his image in the Parade of Heroes that winds its way through the dusty roads of the cities of the Republic during the Festival of Visionaries held each year to celebrate the miracle of My own descent from the cloud city above to bring order to the unruly surface world, but this time, it is for real, citizens. Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier has returned to his homeland from his exile in France!

And we in the IRJ could not be more thrilled. Baby Doc has such a gift for dictating, we know he will bring us exciting surprises in the months to come. He is being coy with his reasons for returning to the land he once oppressed so splendidly, but your Intrepid Interviewer will get all the answers when I talk to him tonight, as I do every night before I go to bed. (But never to sleep, citizens. I merely lie in my king-size bed of penguin feathers, alert, waiting, watching. A wary dictator is a breathing dictator.) There is even talk of him returning to power, thanks to a group of loyalists! Ah, yes, Stockholm syndrome is a key weapon in an autocrat’s arsenal.

Is he taking advantage of the country’s weakness after the earthquake last year? Has he–heaven forbid–turned over a new leaf and come back to rule in a genuinely democratic fashion? Or great man that he is, has he grown tired of paying rent in France and has now–and you know dictatorial fingers are tightly crossed for this one–come back to wreak vengeance on his former peons? With Haiti struggling after the earth tried to shrug it off and the troubles following the presidential elections in November, the time seems ripe for dreamboat Baby Doc to pick up the reins and steer the country back on course. With the whip I’m sure he always carries.


January 16, 2011

Perhaps you have heard about the troubles our Tunisian friend, Ben Ali, is facing? Then you have clearly been disobeying My dictatorial imperative in contacting the world outside the IRJ and that will be the end of you, peon. But I will let you cower in terror for a few days as a lesson to those citizens who may have come into contact with your disturbing thought crimes. I cannot believe that any of My beloved peasants would be so malcontent as to follow the example of those Tunisian rebels, but a good dictator knows to squash even the hint of rebellion and so, I punish those of you passing rebellious information to others in the Republic. You no longer merit the title “citizen”. You are nothing but criminals and before you die, you will see the insides of the notorious camps on the outskirts of My glorious nation.

Read the rest of this entry »

Yes, peons, just when it looks grimmest for those of us with fascist inclinations, a cuddly mascot appears to improve our brand images! Imagine the atrocities we shall commit under the flag of captioned authoritarian cats!


And read about how style matters for the would-be dictator (something I’ve also pointed out in a scolding tone back when these official missives were printed on paper) at Uproxx. Take these tips to heart, fellow autocrats!

Overseas comrades

December 12, 2010

Have you considered the greatness of Alexander Lukashenko, peasants? Your Fiercely Forward has many allies, but dear Alexander is currently in My thoughts the most of all My warriors in the great battle against democratic principles. Naturally, we all already love him for his bubbly personality and the great jokes he tells at parties, but were you aware, citizens, of his immensely dictatorial nature? Yes, he may claim the title of president of Belarus, but the fact is, peons, this man is a great dictator and I look forward to his future feats.

Did you know, for instance, that this wonderful man managed to wrangle things so that a 2004 referendum abolished the constitution’s two-term presidential limit? And that he thus enjoyed a third term as president? Classic dictatorial behaviour, peasants. This is a man on the way up. I look forward to eyeing him suspiciously over drinks one day soon.

While travelling undercover in the former Soviet Union, your Conquering Crisis spoke to more than one Belarusian who insisted that our dear Alexander was insane, but clearly, this cannot be the case. He is far too canny for that. What appears to be insanity to an ordinary peasant is a clever and well-constructed plan for Belarusian domination. Even before the fall of the Soviet Union, our hero was working hard to oppress his citizens. After undermining Gorbachev, the leader of the Soviet Union, by supporting a coup, he admitted that an authoritarian rule suited him, and his early years in power testified to this belief. He disbanded parliament and then selected the new parliament. Friends and allies fled the country in fear of his retribution.

Yes, citizens, I could wax poetic for days about the many draconian measures taken by Alexander. But there is no need for my poetry. What is important here is that you realize that he is a rising star in the world of dictators and we can only hope to see more of him. Perhaps you will meet his citizens in battle and marvel at their indoctrination. Perhaps, even more excitingly, we can look forward to golden statues of Lukashenko dotting squares throughout the country. Naturally, they will not turn to follow the sun like that miracle perpetrated by our dear departed comrade, Niyazov, but they will no doubt enhance the beauty of the natural world around them and strengthen the position of their namesake, Alexander.

Can I just say here, peasants, that our great ally Niyazov is still sorely missed? His cult of personality is a great source of inspiration and your Main Attraction has a small army hard at work at creating a sun statue of My own. Soon, peons. Soon.


June 25, 2010

Cherished friend Gaddafi holds hands with Italy's BerlusconiLet’s not deny it, peons. To the outside world–those poor, unfortunate, leaderless lambs–the word “dictator” conjures up images of tiny moustaches and gulags. Those twisted souls think that only deranged psychopaths with mommy issues trod the dangerous path of dictator. Of course, you and I know that these sad sheep wander far from the truth in a desert of illusion, but sadly, my dear citizens, all too often, this is the image of the great dictator that is portrayed in the Western media.

Which is why it is a delight to see them finally reporting on the great deeds of my fellow autocrats. I know I have not recently spoken of my dear, dear friend Muammar Gaddafi, but peasants, rest assured that we remain the closest of friends. There was just that misunderstanding about the salad bowl that cooled my ardour in the early stages of our relationship. And although I still wonder how a man just happens to leave a dinner party with a half-full bowl of fennel salad, I am still quite excited about our little project (not a nuclear bomb! UN inspectors, you have nothing on Me!).

After passing through on his way to a conference to overthrow the leaders of the Western world, Mu-Mu (as his friends call him) was completely taken with the tiny Italian town of Antrodoco and resolved then and there to save the village from all the ills it faced. He will be bottling mineral water! Building sports complexes! Here is a leader who cares! What has Berlusconi done, he who is Prime Minister of the country that is home to this mountain village? Obviously, citizens, the answer in nothing. It takes a driven and passionate man like Mu-Mu to tackle the injustices of the capitalist failure of a system. Only a dictator has the capacity to reach out and grasp the essential nature of a problem and then solve it with a flick of the wrist. Maybe some human rights abuses occur somewhere in the process of solving the issue (and yes, UN, fine. You can come look at our prisons next week), but the issue gets solved. Dictators get things done!

So don’t think you can out smart Me, citizens. Your Omnipotent Presence is always watching.

Over the Top

April 30, 2010

While his dictatorial credentials may be up for debate, we dictators can all learn a lesson from disgraced Kyrgyzstan president Kurmanbek Bakiyev. And that lesson, fellow autocrats, is how to live large.

Bakiyev was the great hope of this former Soviet nation in Central Asia. Naturally, he could not live up to his own hype since he chose to follow democratic methods and actually allow opposition parties to exist, to the extent that he was actually harassed by his opponents, even if those opponents were claiming that he was too authoritarian and corrupt, which is not very harassing. A dictator would immediately implement a long and crippling reign of terror of some kind when the first tentative voice of protest arose, even if that protest was to note said dictator’s increasingly facist nature. So your Deep and Delicious does not mean to imply in any way that this man should be considered worthy of any kind of dictatorial alliance or even a dinner party. You can’t trust people who seek to settle disputes equitably.

However! After he fled his angry masses to Belarus, the peasants stormed his house and discovered a zoo! Of exotic and endangered animals! This is pure dictator. Of course, every iron-fisted ruler keeps at least a few unconventional pets. I Myself have a couple of sand cats. These unusual creatures help communicate just how far above the seething masses you truly are. But this would-be dictator Bakiyev kept a private zoo. A zoo which included snow leopards, peacocks and a golden eagle. This is exactly the over-the-top style that every true dictator should be cultivating.

Although this president-in-exile has nothing to teach us about oppressing the masses, he seems to have much knowledge to impart on cultivating the perfect cult of personality. Take a moment to learn, comrades. I  already have my secret squad of doom working hard to acquire a Chinese river dolphin, one of the rarest creatures of all!