Overseas comrades

December 12, 2010

Have you considered the greatness of Alexander Lukashenko, peasants? Your Fiercely Forward has many allies, but dear Alexander is currently in My thoughts the most of all My warriors in the great battle against democratic principles. Naturally, we all already love him for his bubbly personality and the great jokes he tells at parties, but were you aware, citizens, of his immensely dictatorial nature? Yes, he may claim the title of president of Belarus, but the fact is, peons, this man is a great dictator and I look forward to his future feats.

Did you know, for instance, that this wonderful man managed to wrangle things so that a 2004 referendum abolished the constitution’s two-term presidential limit? And that he thus enjoyed a third term as president? Classic dictatorial behaviour, peasants. This is a man on the way up. I look forward to eyeing him suspiciously over drinks one day soon.

While travelling undercover in the former Soviet Union, your Conquering Crisis spoke to more than one Belarusian who insisted that our dear Alexander was insane, but clearly, this cannot be the case. He is far too canny for that. What appears to be insanity to an ordinary peasant is a clever and well-constructed plan for Belarusian domination. Even before the fall of the Soviet Union, our hero was working hard to oppress his citizens. After undermining Gorbachev, the leader of the Soviet Union, by supporting a coup, he admitted that an authoritarian rule suited him, and his early years in power testified to this belief. He disbanded parliament and then selected the new parliament. Friends and allies fled the country in fear of his retribution.

Yes, citizens, I could wax poetic for days about the many draconian measures taken by Alexander. But there is no need for my poetry. What is important here is that you realize that he is a rising star in the world of dictators and we can only hope to see more of him. Perhaps you will meet his citizens in battle and marvel at their indoctrination. Perhaps, even more excitingly, we can look forward to golden statues of Lukashenko dotting squares throughout the country. Naturally, they will not turn to follow the sun like that miracle perpetrated by our dear departed comrade, Niyazov, but they will no doubt enhance the beauty of the natural world around them and strengthen the position of their namesake, Alexander.

Can I just say here, peasants, that our great ally Niyazov is still sorely missed? His cult of personality is a great source of inspiration and your Main Attraction has a small army hard at work at creating a sun statue of My own. Soon, peons. Soon.

Sniffles

December 2, 2010

Your Practical Imperative would never admit weakness in a public forum. Remember this, peasants. Better still to remember that I have no weaknesses and that since my legendary descent from the centre of the sun to earth, I have been perfect in all ways, including my health. And know, too, that I am no fool. I work to protect Myself and My domain from any and all threats. Which of course includes illness.

Peons, while you may fall ill all the time with colds and flus and other peasant diseases like dysentery, your Up High has no flaws in her immune system that would allow your maladies to infect Her. But I do like to test Myself, prepare Myself for anything that might block My path to total world domination. And so I have had myself infected with your common cold. Naturally, massive doses were required to cause even the slightest of symptoms.

My Science Dungeons are filled with the scientific geniuses needed to create such massive disease dosing. Those same scientists, chained to the walls of their damp, underground prison, came up with the cure for the common cold many years ago, but I am holding onto that for when negotiations with other world leaders get tough. Think of that when your noses are stuffy, peons, and know that My power knows no bounds.

And now that I am dosed and properly infected, I find the sensations deeply unpleasant. I remind myself that this is My training, part of My many preparations for My eventual global coup d’état. But this red nose, these weepy eyes, My once magnificent lungs now shadows of their former glory–this training is difficult, I cannot deny it. My only consolation is that one day the constant nose-blowing and tea-drinking will have prepared Me for something much greater.

Cease your admonitions!

November 22, 2010

Peasants! Your Greatest Glory will have none of your grumbling! It’s like you don’t even realize that I was the one who made the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky. Almost as if you do not enjoy your head being attached to your shoulders. Is that the case, citizen? Shall I send My impressively awesome secret pollice to change that situation for you?

The fact is, lowly grovellers who are not even fit to lick the bottoms of My fancy designer shoes, your Delightful Dish has been busy with matters of state. That’s right. Matters of state. You all seem to think that My only concern is your sad, sad little lives. This, obviously, is not the case. The amazing republic does not run itself. I must meet with a variety of subordinates and beat them senseless everyday to make sure that your rice is taxed in a way that brings Me maximum profits, so that I can keep enjoying My monthly vacations on the Cote d’Azur. Because I do enjoy those blue waters. And all that sun. And the food, citizens! Oh the food!

Do not think, however, that I have forgotten you. No, no. These are matters of state. These daily tasks that I am burdened with are what keep this society functioning as smoothly as it does. Without My worldly travels, foreign aid would cease. We would have no foolish foreign governments attempting to keep you poor souls alive, all the while not realizing that this “aid” only aids Me and My many underlings. Only underlings who have earned rewards through vigilant reporting on the suspicious activities of their friends and families, though.

So citizens, do not think that I do not love you and care so sincerely and deeply about your well-being when you do not see reports from Me on this page for months at a time. Know that your Crisp and Clean is always working on your behalf, toiling away to make the IRJ a better place with more guns and more income from illicit international trade.

Mission!

July 17, 2010

Oh, loyal citizens, I know you are half-dead with the heat and yet you continue to perform the requisite dances at the appointed hours. And this, citizens, this is why I am not indifferent to you. Recently, however, some of you have given voice to your dissatisfaction with the national law against air conditioners of any kind (excluding My own palatial mansion and offices, for clearly someone so great and glorious as Myself cannot be expected to live as a commoner in air that is warm and wet like My own breath). Be warned that you tread in dangerous waters here. A little grumbling against absurdly warm temperatures is something Your Sweetly Reclining understands only too well. But when that grumbling shifts from the vague enemy of climate to the more specific target of Me, My secret squad of doom starts looking for ways to silence that grumbling.

So! Do not lament your lack of machine-cooled air in these hot times, but rather rejoice in your Far-Reaching’s European diplomatic mission! Celebrate the opening of European relations with watermelon and beer, although maybe not at the same time! Citizens, we have long suffered under the mistakenly scornful gaze of the Europeans and their condescending attitude to all things not European. But no more! Yes, the rumours that have reached your filthy ears are true. The Austrians have begged us to reconsider our boycott of their delicious chocolates and the English have sent a request through unofficial channels that IRJ snipers stop shooting passengers on their underground. Until now, with no formal diplomatic relations, it had been impossible to respond to these requests. However, the Austrians have received our ambassador only too willingly, with the English looking to follow suit.

Thus, it is with great pleasure that I announce my European tour. Yes, dear peons, your Fighting Spirit is headed across the ocean to instruct the Europeans in the subtle ways of the IRJ. Naturally, we wave the flag of peace now even as we solidify our plans to take over these countries and enslave their citizenry for you, dear peasants. Your dictator will not fail you. Keep your eyes firmly focused on our goal of complete world domination. We grow closer to it with each passing day.

Riots!

June 27, 2010

The Canadians are finally rising up against their capitalist oppressors and they are doing it adjacent to the IRJ’s current holdings. While your Resolute and Resolved thoroughly approves of the hard line the oppressing side has drawn in the sand, She does not believe the oppressors can hold for long again such determined peasants. (She is also tired of the drone of helicopters skirting Her airspace.) The revolution has arrived!

I look forward to stepping in to fill the power vacuum and subjecting the Canadians to an iron fist so firm that the revolutionaries will dream fondly of their former overlords. Naturally, once I incorporate the icy tundras of Canada into the IRJ, all these insurgents will be shipped off to one of my many secret detention centres where they will be water-boarded and set to the rack until all thoughts of flaming police vehicles leave their addled minds. Unite, citizens! Today is a day of victory!

Gaddafi!

June 25, 2010

Cherished friend Gaddafi holds hands with Italy's BerlusconiLet’s not deny it, peons. To the outside world–those poor, unfortunate, leaderless lambs–the word “dictator” conjures up images of tiny moustaches and gulags. Those twisted souls think that only deranged psychopaths with mommy issues trod the dangerous path of dictator. Of course, you and I know that these sad sheep wander far from the truth in a desert of illusion, but sadly, my dear citizens, all too often, this is the image of the great dictator that is portrayed in the Western media.

Which is why it is a delight to see them finally reporting on the great deeds of my fellow autocrats. I know I have not recently spoken of my dear, dear friend Muammar Gaddafi, but peasants, rest assured that we remain the closest of friends. There was just that misunderstanding about the salad bowl that cooled my ardour in the early stages of our relationship. And although I still wonder how a man just happens to leave a dinner party with a half-full bowl of fennel salad, I am still quite excited about our little project (not a nuclear bomb! UN inspectors, you have nothing on Me!).

After passing through on his way to a conference to overthrow the leaders of the Western world, Mu-Mu (as his friends call him) was completely taken with the tiny Italian town of Antrodoco and resolved then and there to save the village from all the ills it faced. He will be bottling mineral water! Building sports complexes! Here is a leader who cares! What has Berlusconi done, he who is Prime Minister of the country that is home to this mountain village? Obviously, citizens, the answer in nothing. It takes a driven and passionate man like Mu-Mu to tackle the injustices of the capitalist failure of a system. Only a dictator has the capacity to reach out and grasp the essential nature of a problem and then solve it with a flick of the wrist. Maybe some human rights abuses occur somewhere in the process of solving the issue (and yes, UN, fine. You can come look at our prisons next week), but the issue gets solved. Dictators get things done!

So don’t think you can out smart Me, citizens. Your Omnipotent Presence is always watching.

Over the Top

April 30, 2010

While his dictatorial credentials may be up for debate, we dictators can all learn a lesson from disgraced Kyrgyzstan president Kurmanbek Bakiyev. And that lesson, fellow autocrats, is how to live large.

Bakiyev was the great hope of this former Soviet nation in Central Asia. Naturally, he could not live up to his own hype since he chose to follow democratic methods and actually allow opposition parties to exist, to the extent that he was actually harassed by his opponents, even if those opponents were claiming that he was too authoritarian and corrupt, which is not very harassing. A dictator would immediately implement a long and crippling reign of terror of some kind when the first tentative voice of protest arose, even if that protest was to note said dictator’s increasingly facist nature. So your Deep and Delicious does not mean to imply in any way that this man should be considered worthy of any kind of dictatorial alliance or even a dinner party. You can’t trust people who seek to settle disputes equitably.

However! After he fled his angry masses to Belarus, the peasants stormed his house and discovered a zoo! Of exotic and endangered animals! This is pure dictator. Of course, every iron-fisted ruler keeps at least a few unconventional pets. I Myself have a couple of sand cats. These unusual creatures help communicate just how far above the seething masses you truly are. But this would-be dictator Bakiyev kept a private zoo. A zoo which included snow leopards, peacocks and a golden eagle. This is exactly the over-the-top style that every true dictator should be cultivating.

Although this president-in-exile has nothing to teach us about oppressing the masses, he seems to have much knowledge to impart on cultivating the perfect cult of personality. Take a moment to learn, comrades. I  already have my secret squad of doom working hard to acquire a Chinese river dolphin, one of the rarest creatures of all!

Choosing a Nation: Money

March 29, 2010

A question your Ultimate Answer often fields from aspiring autocrats is: how to get started on the path to successful overlord? To be sure, citizens, it is a rocky road, fraught with peril, decent falafel too rarely encountered. But in My infinite wisdom, I have observed some key factors that may prove useful to you in your mad quest for power. However, this information is obviously forbidden to citizens of the Independent Republic of Josi, so upon pain of death, I insist that you peons turn your gaze from this series of dictatorial tips. Any bid for control you make in this Republic is doomed to failure. My people are everywhere.

(Your sister has been working for Me since she was five. I won your cousin over when he was still in the womb. Do not trifle with Me, peasant. Click on to some other Dictator-sanctioned website: either the weather or the fuzzy cat sweater site.)

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Broken!

March 6, 2010

Loyal peons, you may have already heard the distressing news. The Canadians are trying to assassinate your Heart’s Desire. Yes, the Canadians. It is true that they play the innocent ingenue card well, but beneath their polite apologies and gentle doughnut-eating ways is a ferocious lust for power. They will stop at nothing to annex the Independent Republic of Josi and add yet another province to their ever-growing list of territories.

Being of quick mind and supple intelligence, I have long suspected that something evil lay beneath the soft veneer of kindness that the Canadians show the world at large and have thus always insisted on an entourage larger than My usual group of Doom Force soldiers whenever I have visited that dishonourable nation. However, even this protective human shield was not enough to block the nefarious Canadians.

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Toilets Everywhere!

February 13, 2010

Peasants, what is going on? Have you evolved en masse into some kind of post-human creatures who have somehow eliminated the need for urination and defecation? Your Dazzling Light generally pays little to no attention to your insignificant doings, but on a recent excursion to review the troops, She could not help but notice the large numbers of toilets on the pothole-ridden streets in front of your slovenly shacks. Some with their bowls cracked in two or even three, some coloured offensive yellows and pale blues, some the standard white. But all of them toilets. And all of them outside of the room where they ostensibly belong: the toilet room. (If you are wealthy enough to have a bathtub: the bathroom. But if you are wealthy enough to own a bathtub, you are not a citizen of My Republic and hence should avert your eyes from the glory of My words.)

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